Home Sweet Home

I'm home. It is boiling hot and I have not seen NEPA abi na PHCN generated electricity since I got here. I havent had a glass of cold water in days. My feet are swollen from a combo of walking and the unbearable heat. I am even more self conscious about my weight as I have ever been because people keep staring at me in shock damn it! I have had to refrain from cursing out people at my bank. Have bank workers always been this rude? And ugly? And badly dressed? I'm no fashion plate, but I distinctly remember being impressed at the attire of the people who worked at the banks before I left. Having said all that.....

I"M HOME!!! I'M HOME!!!! I"M HOME!!! I AM HOME!! WOOHOO!! After almost two years of utter abysmal depression with several plans of suicide never carried out only because of Freak's encouraging words, and the possible hook up with THE CRUSH (which never happened....and never will but one can dream....); and of course I'm Nigerian for heaven's sake! We no dey do that kain ting. So I have no job, and my pure science/clinical research/ lecturing-teaching experience will probably never translate into the nigerian market so my hopes of getting one are..... I am still so happy to be home. I'll probably go back. Only have friends in this country and I still want that PhD! But it is so good to be back. I've missed my country so. Its true what they say aint nothing like home!

My adventure on the way home coming soon.....

Gemstone 2025 Nigeria

I havent ranted in a while, but I have found something that is really getting my goat at the mo'....so here comes the rant!

so my friend Tosyn has been hyping up this Makeover Mushin event taking place on Saturday December 12. i was like damn, thats a great idea. for painful but somewhat obvious reasons i cant make it. but hey its a great idea so why not join the organisation that put it together yeh? so i go to the website and i click on "register". first, they ask for my full name and inform me that it will be prominently displayed on the website as will my location. ok i prefer anonymity but ok... next they ask me who am i? not a bad question so i write up a lil bio. then they ask where do i see myself in 2025? ummmm why?

next q: what is my life vision? uh...what?

then what would i want to be number 1 at in 2025? how in the hell is that your business?

what are your achievements so far (your track record)? so i have to have volunteered before? and if i'm just getting into it. what then?

what groups have u lead or played a pivotal role in? umm this is still about volunteering right?

what are your life values? ok you know what? FORGET IT! i'll just stick to Red Cross and the Rotary Club.

Wanted:

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Take Me As I Am

the latest craze in town is to get incoherent a man. even guys are getting in on it. asking me about this guy or that. pointing out the good qualities of this dude or that one. there's one chick who has been threatening to create a profile for me on one of these online dating sites. now, i am even more guarded with my pictures than i used to be. sigh.

as if that weren't bad enough, i now get advice on how i can "fix" myself so i can get the man:

lose that stomach. dress better. wear makeup. show more cleavage. you're too bossy. need to tone it down. don't be so sarcastic. let the man be a man. must you be so geeky? no one cares about the wonders of the LHC. put down that popular mechanics; here, read a cosmo. why are you in this aisle drooling over that drill set?

why must it be that there is something wrong me? why can it not be that i am going through a me phase right now, and a man wouldn't fit in? what is wrong in expecting a man to want me for me? the tomboy dork who wants to change the world. i like museums and the opera and Broadway. i also like T.I and Eminem and Nas. I have partied 4 days straight getting only 6 hours of sleep in between. but i have also sat in the lab for the same 4 days on the same 6 hours of sleep.

my point is i don't want to change. i have room for improvement. we all do. but i don't want anyone who cannot be content with the me of right now. i don't want or ask my loved ones to change. if they change for the better in some way, thats cool. but i will love them even if they never change. do i not have the right to ask for the same acceptance of me in return?

so man, boyfriend, love, husband: if you actually exist (because i don't believe everyone is meant to be married or "with" someone), you better come willing to to me just as i am cuz i aint changing.....at least not until i am good and well ready to.

I miss God

lately Miss CaramelD has been voicing things i've had rolling around in my head. i've been going through a lot of things lately. i've probably been here before, but it just feels so much harder this time. and i know, this time, its cuz i dont feel at peace. it doesnt feel like these things are just for a season. i dont see what i am learning. i dont grasp anything. i've stopped praying because almost a year ago, it started to feel like God wasnt listening. at first i thought, he wants me to go through this. so i trudged on. tried to learn from the things going on around me. later i came to the conclusion God wasnt listening. he either was fed up of me, or there was no reason for him to listen. i'd created this mess and my crying out to him was futile. fine. i had to face my bad or faulty decisions. and deal with the consequences. but now, there is something. a block. something just doesnt want me doing what i want, what i need to do. i no longer have a focus. no plan for the future. no ambition.

heavy sigh

One Of Those Days

Its one of those day. Everyone has them. When you wake up and you're miserable. You look for a shoulder to cry on and no one seems to be there. You catalogue your life and cant put your finger on one achievement. You wonder why you're bothering. What exactly the point of anything is. Oh sure you laugh at the shows on TV. But as soon as the moment is over. You just wanna curl up. In the middle of your laugh you shut off the TV and want to cry. Even the soul music people put on in these moments are too damn cheerful for you. You just want silence. But not really. Because then you hear all those voices in your head. Those asking you what in the hell you think you're doing. Those reminding you that you haven't done shit in quite a few years. Those stupid ass bitches pointing out how alone you are. How you're here. On your blog. Because you can't think of a single soul willing to listen to what you have to say.

Yep, one of those days

Upgrade

so i'm stuck in a rut. been depressed about a shit load of stuff lately. about two months ago, i was actually REJECTED. how much lower can a girl fall? really?

anyway folks point is, i have been playing it safe. content to be dour and matronly. semi-mannish and well .....uninteresting is a nice way of putting it. so yesterday, i went out. got my hair done and my eyebrows did. didnt get my nails though cuz i'm kinda broke. but oh well. managed to gather two other like minded girls together and we're going partying tonight. hopefully the DJ doesnt suck or else i'm going to have 2 take over. on my saturday, my plan is to act a fool. just roam the streets. try out some silly things we'd heard about. just generally let loose and shake my newly made hair about. then on sunday i snap back to reality and hopefully be energized for another week. its about time i broke free and started looking forward to my future. sure it isnt as bright as i want. honestly its downright bleak and gloomy. but that just means i need to hang onto the good bits. especially as they are now so few and far between. i need to light a candle, buy batteries for my penlight while i wait for the street lights of my life to flicker back on.

yes, my life sucks. it sucks hard. but i've been doing things the same way for years. it obviously isnt working anymore. before i totally throw in the towel, lets shake things up. try a different tactic. do things i would never do. damn the consequences. so here i come world. a different me. hopefully if i start thinking it, things WILL start looking up!

Independence Day

Today, my country is 49. A whole FORTY NINE!! Another year, we'll be half a century old.

A lot of people say Nigeria is in shambles. That it is a terrible place. I see a lot of people hustling, doing whatever they can to "travel"; "go abroad". The various embassies are full to the brim. Even tiny ass countries have no respect for Nigerians. Because everyone is "suffering" there...or so outsiders have been led to believe.

Unfortunately, I have never seen this Nigeria. My Nigeria, the Nigeria I see is one full of opportunities. Its a Nigeria filled to the brim with talent. Talent that big time companies all over the world are hungry to tap into. The Nigeria I grew up in was one in which the standard of education, for someone looking for it, was stellar. I thoroughly enjoyed attending school there.

People are poor. Boohoo. In the US during this time of recession, statistics just reported that the rich have actually become RICHER while the poor and the middle class are losing money......sound familiar? Yet in this poor Nigerian economy, people own their own homes. Their own land. If you own a car, its most likely yours free and clear.

We have corrupt leaders. Who doesnt? Seriously.

I hear about all these "problems"; everything that is wrong with the country. We openly criticize our homeland to perfect strangers. But has anyone done anything about it. Personally, everyday, I crack my head and I ask God to guide me. To show me how I can use the little talents I have to better my country. I try to make a contribution where I can. I have always supported home grown. I am fiercely loyal. Fiercely patriotic. I really wish I could be political, but I'm not.

I wish there were more people like me. No, dont comment saying you are. I get way too many: "if i could leave this country', "this foolish country", "i beg i dey look 4 greener pastures", "i have no plans of going to naija. lai lai!!" So i most certainly dont believe any of you. We keep saying we have no control over how our country is run. But I think we need to look back to 49 years ago, then 10, even 2 years ago. We ARE moving forward. What we need is patience. In our heads, we are already super powers. That's good, we need to dream big. But unfortunately, in reality, we are the ants on the grass the elephants are trampling. But thank God, with the genetic manipulations going on, that doesnt have to be our permanent state (sorry, i had to go geek right there he he). Let's keep pressing forward. We're only 49. Yeah that's old in human eyes, but countrywise. we still get snot for nose. So keep it up guys. Keep your shoulder to the wheel. Forget instant gratification, and prepare for a time when your descendants will be proud of their ancestry because you did what was needed to get Nigeria where you want it.

Let's WORK at being that Giant we keep wanting the world to see us as. Dont forget, at one time, shaq was a lil squirt.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

The Date That Never Was- a true story

My friend comes to visit. We had a fun weekend, then on sunday i take him to go visit his childhood friends. who are now engineers. we meet the first friend. yawn! boring! his subscription to popular science is waay more interesting. then another friend shows up. he comes in and they start "catching up". then i hear those magic words "how's the phd going".

now, i must pause and tell you that i'm an education whore. you know how other chicks gravitate towards fame and money? i LOVE education. smart people make me.....well you get it.

to make the pot sweeter, he's an engineer. (have i ever mentioned i have a THING for engineers?) bsc in electrical, masters in electrical/materials engineering. his ms thesis was in an area that spilled over into the industrial aspects of MY field. oh joy. i perked up. actually closed the magazine and joined the conversation. he plays tennis. cool. likes chess. correct. he hikes. (o God!) loves salsa dancing (O GOD!!). goes rock climbing (OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!) and wants to go sperlunking (yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!!!)

..... and that, ladies and gentelmen was a mental orgasm :)

i collect his number. promptly text him. then i find out king tut's in town....well his tomb and stuff anyway. i call him up. we go. very nice. he pays for dinner. opens doors. does all those gentlemanly things. the exhibition was awesome. he decides to take me to this really cool club afterwards.

post date. ....yeah i have accepted that WAS a date. we're calling. texting. emailing. then he stops responding. call his phone, no reply. email, no response.

a month or two later he sends an email. apologising. sends new number. we start to talk again. finally he proposes we go catch a movie together. we agree to meet at the cinema. he never shows.

THE END



what u were you expecting? geez people the title already gave it all away.

Him

I woke up this morning and started playing with my contacts list. Adding pictures, editing birthdays, attaching notes to the special people. I got to HIM. said things i'd had rolling around in my head. then i read mancee's post, which inspired me to write this one.

everyone has in their head what that ONE will be like. whether or not u've voiced it or written it down, there are certain things that that PERSON just HAS to have. HE had so many of it. so very many. that boy just GOT me. but he was a first class whore. cheated on me from like the first day. i stuck with it. did the long distance thing cuz....get this......HE wanted to. and then i got tired of the doubts. the brush-offs. the one-sided communication. i broke it off. we stayed in touch. remained firm friends. then i have people calling me.

"so you're getting married."
"huh?"
"o HE told us he's getting married. figured it was you. "
"ummm we broke up remember?"
"..............so what's new these days huh? how's the weather n all..........."

so i ask him. he's like o yeah i am. next dec. really? cool. to whom? wait, isnt that the girl we fought over? that u denied seeing? congratulations. come for your wedding? sure! send me the details.

no, i dont attend the wedding. but we're still friends. talked all the way up to his wedding. are you excited? what changes are you making? yeah, marriage is scary but you're happy all that matters.

she's about to have his baby. i'm putting together a care package for the tot. i'm clinically insane. yes. but i love him. like a brother. a friend. for pretty obvious reasons i'm not in the least bit hurt he's with her (ok ok it hurt like hell!!.........but only 4 a little while. riiiiiiiight).

thing is, despite all the drama (and believe me! there was PLENTY of it) HIM even existing means that my list is too realistic. that those unvoiced things that i want, i can get them. yeah i'm holding HIM as an ideal, but only in the way that yes, my ideal can exist. hopefully my one true HIM wont have the holes this pseudo-HIM has.........eeerr had! i meant HAD. he's married now, a changed man he says.

hmph..........

The Unsung Hero

At some point, everyone blogs about their mom. How awesome she is and yadda yadda yadda. Don't get me wrong, i love my mother. that woman KNOWS things. when i'm in trouble it's eerie how she just "randomly" calls to "check if i'm ok". i'll wake up some mornings and a text is waiting for me about a bible verse. and when i look it up, its exactly what i was needing to hear at that point. but hey, that's why they're our mothers.

This post however, is about the other person. That scary dude in the shadows that our mothers threaten us with, using those ominous words "wait 'til your father gets home". Daddy. My daddy is awesome. I absolutely adore my father. while my mom just hasn't figured it out that i will NEVER say "i love you" and i cannot STAND to be touched and so hugs are a no-no, my father totally gets it. he knows that a punch to the shoulder is sufficient. he's not very vocal but that man is a ROCK. i have learned so much, i KNOW so much because of him. i decided i liked music, he bought a keyboard and paid for music lessons. i discovered languages, he got me french AND spanish tutors. even took the french classes with me so i'd have a buddy. we would travel every summer to somewhere new hence my love for traveling. i collected stamps and money; whenever my dad went on conferences he'd write me and put like a million different stamps on it for my collection. n he always over-bought currency so he had some for me when he got home. i owned a pc b4 there were color monitors even had those dot matrix printers from epson n best BELIEVE i got hooked up with the first windows! :)

then there's the he's so awesome no man could ever compare part. my daddy cooks. as in he COOKS. he goes to the market brings home groceries and makes the meanest stew! on saturdays, when in my house, we are required to spring clean, my father will tie a sheet toga style over his boxers pick up and broom and CLEAN. if my cousins or any boy came to stay, there was no "boys dont do house work crap". everyone was expected to pull their own weight. there was even one time my mom wasn't in town n our hair needed to be done. guess who stepped up to the plate! i carried that hair proudly until the hairdresser redid it (after calling everyone in the salon over and laughing her head off....stupid bitch).

then there's the strong silent support. i mess up. my mom goes into a blind panic. weeps. then runs to church. typical mom. daddy on the hand asks what your plan is. i table it. he makes it happen. you tell him what you need and its there.

it never ceases to surprise me how well my father knows me. my aloofness. my lack of affection towards any member of the family. my inability to share my emotions. my stupid pride that always makes me try to solve every problem all on my own. i'm going through some serious isht right now. and mehn despite the fact that i have kept quiet about it for over 3 months now, my father stepped in doing the little that he could do no questions asked. no yelling. no scolding. just a "why do you always keep things to urself for so long?"

the point of this whole post? men suck ASS. they really do. every day we hear stories about guys denying responsibility. fathers being all 'round jerks. shirking their duties. not being involved enough in their childrens' lives. just wanted to brag a little. about a truly awesome father. a man, who despite faults all humans have (and believe my daddy has his share!), is my hero. the sort of father my children had better have. the sort of parent i one day pray to become. we would never say this to each other daddy, although you at least show me but I LOVE YOU DADDY. hugs and kisses :)

The Wedding Blues Aftermath

So I went for said wedding. Got there thursday night, picked up my rental car. Guys that car was UGLY!!! OMG it was ugly. This stupid red thing that well.......it just so was not aesthetically pleasing. Was tempted to upgrade to a car with xm radio and sweet interiors but then i remembered my list, and remembered i still had spending to do and i resisted (BOY it was hard!!). so i put my stuff in the car, attach my gps, type in the address of the hotel and drive off. i'm almost out out of the airport, in fact i'm practically ON the highway.......and my gps is still "acquiring satellite". now, i arrived at after midnight, i'm in a strange STATE (not even town o!) and my stupid gps has no idea what to do. so i'm driving along, waiting, and of course promptly take the wrong exit and end up in the very deserted, very weird looking area and i'm driving at like 10 mph. i check that my doors are locked, make sure my phone has service then cruise. while i drive, i try to remember the black to white population ratio and anything i'd ever heard about cops and DWBs in this state. finally, >ping< then "turn right" o thank you God my gps has found its bearing! i finally arrive at the hotel. the guy on night duty looked like he was a Level 10 warlock in World of Warcraft complete with the glasses, funny teeth, and freckle-pimples. but thats ok, i like WoW so its all good. i pick up the keys to the room and lament that i'm hungry. the sweetheart offers me fresh doughnuts (there's this AWESOME bakery adjacent to the hotel). i smile sweetly then head up 2 my room. sleep

friday morning: wake up refreshed. go downstairs for breakfast. return to my room and lounge. aaah that morning was the highlight! the rest of the day was spent as an airport shuttle service. think i went like 4 times to the airport to pick people up. oh well. not complaining. finally got me time at around 11 pm by sneaking into my car with a book. stayed there and read until 1 am.......

saturday: engagement, then wedding. those were fun. met a guy i used to wink at in school but never hooked up with. flirted some. fell madly and irrevocably in love with this chick :) it was a good wedding. our boy looked really and truly happy and his wife is gorgeous and very much in love with him. dont get no better than that!

got up the next morning at an ungodly hour to drop some friends off at the airport. then hung out at the mall with my new love until i dropped HER off at the airport. then i went back to the hotel for some much needed alone time.

got up monday at yet another ungodly hour and drove to the airport. returned the car. got on the tram. picked up my boarding pass. got in line at security.......then discovered i had lost my wallet.............
i lost it. cried and cried (i had had maybe 8 hours of sleep total the whole weekend) then went to report it. then cried and cried some more. luckily, my wallet was found. everything intact. but i'd missed my flight. was put on standby, but couldn't get on that one. was put on the next standby, that one got canceled. basically spent the entire day at an airport. think i figured out all the nooks and crannies. finally made it home just before dark. needless to say i will not be repeating this experience anytime soon.....

and caramelD? babe, if you ever figure out how to get a guy off your mind please let me know. i'm in the same damn predicament. GRRRRRRR

The Wedding Blues (A response to CaramelD)

So CaramelD is complaining about an upcoming wedding. I'm like what are YOU complaining about? At least you're a bride's maid. Well to be fair to her, she then apologized for complaining seeing as there are worse things out there in the world. But darn it!! I want to complain too! Especially considering I got her ass beat. My wedding is this weekend (no not MY wedding i mean the wedding I'M about to gripe about) and here is my spending so far (SO FAR!! because i WILL spend more money when i get there. o and i havent bought the wedding gift yet):

airfare: $170 (and this because i started shopping MONTHS earlier)
car rental: $180 (this doesnt not include insurance or gas)
hotel: $250 (my share o, i'm staying with 3 other girls to "cut costs")
dress: $110
jewellery: $80
shoes: $40 (cheapest bloody thing on there!)

o and since i NEVER wear makeup and now i have to; and its the groom i know not the bride so i cant latch unto her makeup lady, i actually had to BUY makeup (yeah the guy is a really good friend plus he has gorgeous friends). makeup is EXPENSIVE how do (regular) women do it??

of course, the worst part is being a fresh face, tshirt, jeans, and flip-flops kinda girl, i may NEVER use any of these things again. O and remember now, I am NOT a bridesmaid. imagine if i was.....might actually work out cheaper even. SIGH

So my Caramel have i shamed you or what?

Oh and i noticed you talk about your mum. means that both your parents are alright yeh? thank God for His awesome mercies.......he he just realised you'd actually updated us on the situation. LOOK i'm not perfect OK?? at least i remembered! gotta work with the little things :)

Memories

I miss being in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being single. I can pick up my bags when I want and go where ever I please. I can have how ever many people over and have impromptu parties. But, a girl has needs; needs that a good book can't fill and movies and music make worse. What to do what to do.

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

valentine's day, love songs, romantic movies, m&b, harlequin these were all invented to make fools out of all us. diabolical people sit around all day and come up with new ways of turning us into blithering idiots. have us believing in frivolous untruths like "love", "happy endings", "the spark". instead of accepting the inevitability, focusing on much more tangible things in life like money, material possessions, education. now THOSE things give fulfillment. where has "love" gotten any of us? seriously? a hot chick feels inferior if no one's "in love" with her; smart, successful incredibly intelligent guys (and girls....worse for the girls; god help you if u have HALF a brain) are alone. and they forget all they have achieved in the wake of that single fact that noone "loves" them.

then the books. oh the books! i'm still waiting for all the sparks they talk about. and have you noticed that in the books AND the movies they finish with them driving off into the sunset. why dont you show us what happens 6 months down the road huh?? if this stayed in romantic novels n movies that would be fine. but now, even my darling action movies MUST have a love interest. the hero has to FEEL something "he has never felt before". like what the HELL??

why do we do this to ourselves? i'll tell you why!! we've been programmed. those fuckers have us all whooped. i'm telling you these people are diabolical. its like hoobastank's "the reason", or savage garden's "truly madly deeply", even in "he's just not that into" the psycho stalker girl.....wait lets not totally spoil the ending but i gotta tell ya its .......(GAG)........happy. and if i get started on brian mcknight n boyz ii men.......AAAAAARGH!!!!!.....

So what brings on this rant you ask? the script has this song and every time i listen to it, i turn to absolute mush. as i type this tirade i played just a portion of it and i started seeing bunnies, and rainbows and had a sudden urge to read penny jordan or danielle steele. i mean the song is about a guy sitting on a street corner waiting for a chick he met a while ago. how implausible is that? seriously? and yet, EVERYTIME i listen to the song i find myself rooting for him. becoming ecstatically, deliriously happy as he talks abt how she 'll come running into his arms blah blah de flippin' blah.

seriously though, what is the appeal of love songs, books, and movies? why do we let them lull us into believe in things utterly illogical? i guess with all the bad stuff going on. the horrors pervading the world, its nice to dream and believe in the good things. to have something that warms your heart to look forward to. karl marx says religion is the opiate of the masses. i disagree, its "love".

hey dont forget to mention how MY version of things is waaay better than freak's :)

ATribute To A Great

From the moment i could discern musical notes, i have worshiped at the feet of Michael Jackson. From "abc" and 'can you feel it' with his brothers, to 'blood on the dance floor'. even when the critics hated on him, i thought every note he put out there was magnificent. i wanted to dance with him, sing with him , i totally crushed on him. that man shaped generations of music lovers and makers alike. not to mention the various dances he inspired. and the videos to his songs? unsurpassable.

even through the child abuse allegations. i loved him. he was my inspiration to never lose my innocence, my child-like fascination for the world. heal the world, gone too soon, black or white, man in the mirror these songs reminded me with a catchy tune that i had a purpose on this earth and all i had to do was find it. and when i was tired, unloved, lonely- 'you are not alone', 'speechless', 'stranger in moscow' either cheered me up or matched my mood :) thriller scared me like no horror movie ever could. and that awesome movie he did with all his songs? i used to fantasize i was in it. even the parodies (weird al's 'fat') were awesome!

michael, i believe in heaven, and i truly honestly wish you were there. i dont think you ever found the peace and happiness you were forver searching for. i hope it didnt hurt. bubbles will miss, as will your children. you are awesome and men i am so mad i never saw you in concert. you know, your ass could've stuck around until AFTER the tour was over. sheesh!..........love you!! :)

Farah i loved charlie's angels and i thought you were gorgeous (for a white chick). Ed i was always hoping you'd show up at my door with a PCH cheque. i'm sorry your deaths were overshadowed, but you gotta admit, michael trumps y'all. yeah i no, he could've waited a week more to die yeh. death answers to no man unfortunately. but just know you are all loved (by someone) and will be misssed (by someone).

love miss and never forget you michael. should've bought your albums like i'd been planning to. now the prices are going through the roof! .......sigh

Groupie Love

Boredom and the Internet do not a good mix make. Here's what I found.........

Girls, how in the hell are we EVER going to get any respect if this is the type of stuff we're proud to own up to.....sheesh. I'm all for women's liberation and all, but this is a little over the top!......Or maybe I'm just damn prude huh?

How To Know A Guy Is Into You

He tells you.

Blogger and the Lonely Soul

When one has a blog, one must constantly filter and assemble one's thought; deciding just how much to reveal of one's self to all mankind. In this day and age of self aggrandizement, the temptation is ever strong to want to put all out there. I have always sort of reveled in my privacy. i enjoyed mass anonymity on hi5. Coerced into joining facebook, I enjoyed anonymity there as well despite those idiots insistence that you register with your full name, school and location. Unfortunately, tagging was invented and out the window went the comfort that i could NOT be picked out of a lineup.

Then came blogging. Ah blogging. The latest in many frontiers. Here I have my anonymity back. I can spew whatever I want, be as incoherent as I please and no one knows who or what. You can see me at Silverbird, drink at Swe bar with me, or climb the Eiffel Tower together and you wont know me. You wont look at me weird n expect incoherence when I speak.

But you see, that leads back to the original question. Just because no one knows who you are, does that allow you to spew everything? Should blogspot become my journal? (They still sell those you know, at really good prices too). So why would I want a million unknown mostly insignificant people in on my innermost thoughts? But then if I'm not saying what I think? How I feel? What then? Why is it that more and more I want my feelings, my once private opinions and emotions to read and shared with all and sundry.

Sigh here I go again. Cant remember what my original point was. Oh well........

People Who Should Be Taken Out And Shot

1. people who wear SUNglasses indoors, at night, or in dark, smoky nightclubs (forget freakin' Usher it does NOT look cool!! and seriously, can you even SEE??!!)

2. drunks who figure it is their divine right to stagger to your door at 3 am and bang on it for over an hour

3. people who cut in front of you in traffic then get stuck because THERE WAS A REASON I WAS GOING SLOWLY IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU DUMBASS!!

4. double parkers on a fucking narrow-ass road

5. dog owners who dont see the need to clean up after their pet

6. heifers who have to be all up in your business and know better than YOU what happened to YOU that day.....

7. guys who do the same

8. people who spend 3 weeks abroad then acquire this infernal accent and tell me they can no longer pronounce their own name (really?? really??!!)

9. people who feel the need to tell me the EVERYTHING about a movie i stupidly mentioned that i was about to see (FUCKING DIE!! DIE!!!! Y WONT U DIE!!!!)

10. child abusers (be it sexual, verbal, emotional: you just dont take away that innocence damn u!!)

11. people who protect said child abusers

12. fuckers who insist on driving with their fucking full lights on. why do I have to suffer because your retarded ass is vitamin A deficient. bloody hell!!


.......................to be continued

Superman VS The Hulk

So I've watched the double feature Hulk VS like a million times. And I'm also a budding Justice League Unlimited. That show is so dark and pulls no punches. So yesterday, I'm home watching Superman talking about how he'd always had to hold back when brawling with "earthlings" and he is so excited that he's found someone namely Darkside who can take it. So I get to wondering who would win: Superman or the Hulk?

As you can tell, this is strictly for geeks only. O and if you're replying, send a bloody link as well so I can find it. Thanks!

My Favourite Shows

Supernatural (that's number 1!!)
Leverage (that kinda ties for number 1)
Fringe
Eleventh Hour
Reaper
Eureka
Cold Case
Medium

For me these are MUST sees. There are a few honorable mentions but I wont die if I don't watch them:
Psych
Monk
Law and Order: Criminal Intent

Any suggestions?

Lent 2009

Its that time of the year again! And this year, many years of backsliding, i will be taking this as seriously as i possibly can. i will be fasting, praying, giving up that meat (at least this time, there no suya joint right next to my house.......). Why this mad dash back to the Lord? Come on people are you blind?!! The world is at an end! There is a black man in the White House. did you hear me? the WHITE house! Die-hard players are getting married! NOTHING IS THE SAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMEEEE!!

amazing as it sounds, i actually miss church. i finally live in an area where there are churches that are reminiscent of the kind of worship i'm used to. with music, smiling people, and busybody men of God telling you exactly what you are doing wrong and how you need to change. and there is no one looking at their watch and sighing because "the choir is singing a song that wasnt on the darn program gosh darn it!". hmmm come to think of it, i might even join the choir. utter bliss

Beckham and the LA league

Does anyone else think it is freaking hilarious that Beckham doesn't want to go back to California? Apparently he is on loan to Milan for the UEFA (?? is it??). I wasn't really surprised. Have you seen Americans play football? These guys suck! I'm still convinced that the only reason they make it into the World Cup is because they bribe the Mexican players (the only other country in their region) and promise them citizenship if they let them win.

So anyway, poor Beckham has realised what I could have told him before he signed the contract. I mean good Lord, these people call a game they invented less than 50 years football (which has nothing to do with a foot nor require any sort of skill for that matter) then give our precious 100+ year sport SOCCER. Mein Gott!! What the hell does that even mean?

this was utterly random and is a sign of the path boredom tends to lead you down.....sad innit?

Desperately Seeking a New Job

So my current job is poised to end. There are several reasons for this, some of them my fault. The most important thing is, I HAVE BILLS TO PAY. I need to find another source of gainful employment as soon as humanly or even divinely possible.

Sadly, my talents are severly limited (one can even say non-existent). I can speak several languages, but none as fluently as would get me paid. I have rudimentary computer experience, but not enough to be considered proficient. I have extensive teaching experience.....but if I was that good at it, I would be currently be losing my job would I? I have limited research experience, too limited to be even considered for a research position. I have two science based degrees and I would love to get two more............but my funding source has dried up.

Ideally, I would love to win a million dollars and just invest and do nothng for the rest of my life. I cant sing, I'm not even remotely cute, and I suck ass at sports. So forget any opportunities there of making any money. What to do? How to do it? I need to quit whining, buckle down,......and do what exactly? There are many things I must be good at. But of what good are they to people who mete out salaries? You know I can understand why people think things through and their logical conclusion is that their life should be unceremoniously discontinued. It would solve a lot of problems I think. I'm not married, no kids. Just have this one nagging debt.

Sigh.

This Thing Called Love

What is it sef? What makes your heart do flip flops over one guy and you can't even shock a beat out of it for another? why will you KNOW this person is so very wrong for you but still stick with them and hope and pray that they love you back? yet you meet a person: sweet, understanding, loving, utterly devoted to you, eyes only for you......and you are bored to freakn death!! you feel trapped and you are looking desperately for a way out.

then theres the breakup. they hurt YOU. dumped YOU. cheated on YOU ....and yet you're the one feeling like a piece of shit. and whats the deal with karma huh? seems the people who hurt you still havent gotten their come uppance. and you're there waiting. hoping that bloody FINALLY they'll realise they messed up. not that you want them back (although sometimes you really do) but couldn't they feel some remorse about how they treated you?

sigh. the whole thing is just annoying. like i should curl up in my shell and never come out. but noooo. you have to "move on". and not "lose hope". and "keep believing" that "the one for you is out there". o and that forget the "not letting one spoiling all the others out for you". bitch please!.........and yet you hope. more fishes in the sea they say. you dream. "when one door closes another opens". you pray."theres someone out there for everyonr". and patiently trod on. fixing little things along the way. working to make yourself perfect for that one. forgetting (quite conveniently) the last heartbreak. that gut wrenching cry you had that last time around.

this thing called love grrrr

Rumpole :(

Sir John Mortimer, the creator of the great RUMPOLE is dead. He is survived by millions of adoring fans the world over and thousands of lawyers who owe their even considering law to his AWESOME books.....oh yeah and he has a daughter and some other relatives too...

adieu Sir Mortimer, still loving your books after SO many years :)

A little more on my new year res

so i'm a bit of a geek yeh, and this year i'm trying a lil something called "losing weight". its a brand new very revolutionary tactic aimed at making you look good and being o whats the funny word? its at the tip of my tongue..........o yeah "healthy".

in my quest for more knowledge (as if all the one i already possess has benefited me in any way right?), i stumbled upon this BBC article. the entire concept just appeals to me all around (yeah i'm feverishly writing notes again SIGH)

2009

so again my new year's celebration was....non existent. spent new year's eve driving the twelve hours back to my home base so i could enter the new year surrounded by the new life i have just started to build for myself.......

12 midnight found me attending mass in front of my television (too exhausted to drive to mass and then drive myself back). watched a lil more tv (God dont these people KNOW its a new year??) then went to bed. woke up new year morning.........and went to work. yep! spent new year's day at work. woo hoo

so anyway i put into God's hands my plans for the New Year:

1. LOSE WEIGHT : eat better, exercise more
2. BANK PAY: save more, reduce my debt
3. do something about my dreams instead of wallowing in misery wishing i were somewhere else

hmmmm lets see........... o thats it i guess. my hope for this year arent that much. i'm not too excited about this year and i dont see anything overly fantastic happening (sigh there i go again.....is that thunder i hear?).

so what are YOUR new year resolutions? are they as sucky as mine? or are you way more ambitious? and o yeah before i forget:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!