Phase 1: Lagos
Step 1: Arrive at the airport. The power goes out while your luggage is still being brought out on the carrel. So you have to drag your two excessively overweight bags off the carrel while holding on to your precious laptop bag as well the carry-on bag you brought off the plane. Then you realize that the carts aren't free…..and you have no naira. So you drape the carry on and laptop bag on each shoulder then drag your two suitcases out of the airport. You get outside and realize that you also have no cell phone and that the nearest call place is "waaaaaay down that way"……
Step 2: You leave your aunt's house ready to go a-visiting. Then they tell you that the cabs are just a "little up the road". As you have sworn with all that is in you to never get on an okada, you decide to walk there. Conveniently, you forget that you're smack dab in the middle of the tropics during HARMATTAN season no less and that when you left it was snowing. You arrive sweating and exhausted at the car park then breathlessly tell the cab man the address. But it's not over, because the bloody bastard is trying to gouge out your eyes and cut off your right arm and left leg (get it??), so you gather your final strength and revive all your haggling skills. Finally, when you're both satisfied, you sink into the backseat and endure the hot, dusty ride.
Phase 2: Ibadan
Step 1: Your mom generously drops you off at your friend's house. She even lets you take the wheel. No biggie you think remembering all the weaving through traffic and switching lanes at 100 mph that you've come to enjoy. So you get on the road. It's an easy drive up your long street. You get on the main road, your mom's relaxed. Gabbing on the phone informing all and sundry that you are around and ready to be taxed so feel free to drop by. You get to a major junction. There's a policeman there directing traffic. You patiently wait your turn, and when he directs you, you move. Ah this isn't so bad you think. Then you get to another junction and you let the cars with the right of way pass you
"what are you doing?"
"huh?"
"my friend will you move?"
"but mummy it isn't my turn"
You hear the snort from the person she is currently gabbing with. By the time you get to your friend's house, all you want to do is curl up into a ball and rock back and forth.
Step 2: While at your friend's house, you decide to attend evening mass. You faintly recall that it was a short walk from their place. Plus it's evening so it's nice outside. You proceed to walk expecting any moment to see the steeple. You climb up a hill. Then you walk down another, artfully dodging okadas and wayward cars. Can't these people see that you're a pedestrian you fume. Finally, you get to church and say a small prayer of thanks that you convinced your friend to come get you after church. Mass takes way longer than it used to. Your friend has sent a text telling you he got tired of waiting outside so you should meet at the restaurant down the street. WHY ME you cry in your heart as you wearily trudge to the spot, planning how you'll chop off his head if he even suggests that you just walk home.
Step 3: Aaaah your friend's AC works. You sit back in the car and just enjoy the coolness of it while you reminisce about those bottles of real cold water you just downed. Then you feel a rumble. You look around in shock thinking o Lord are there earthquakes now in Nigeria? Then you realize its coming from your tummy. Your mind flashes back to the orgasmic moi-moi and ogi you had for breakfast. Your stomach rumbles again, and you wonder why your friend is suddenly driving so slowly. Good God man drive damn you! As you struggle to hold it all in, it comes back to you that you only ever used to eat moi-moi or any other beans products in the evening and only if there was tons of bread available. As you finally sink onto the toilet seat and settle down with your book for a long visit, you think how this is a much more effective and better tasting alternative to the horrid Chinese slimming tea you'd been on. Hmmm…
Phase 3: Port Harcourt
Step 1: You get to Mo and P-W's house only to realise they live on the third floor. And Mo's at work damn him so you can't pull a press gang move on him. Wearily you shoulder your laptop bag, travelling bag and this silly hand bag sort of thingie you have suddenly taken to carrying. As you climb, you struggle to keep your feet under you if only to protect your precious VAIO from an irreparable fall (because that extended warranty against accidental damage you pulled out teeth to pay for suddenly means nothing); but that is hard as tiled steps combined with frightening amounts of beach-like sand common only to Port Harcourt endeavour to remove all forms of friction needed to keep you upright.
Step 2: You wake up with a craving for Big Treat goodies. You call and get directions there then walk out of M n P's place and walk out the meandering path that eventually lands you on Abuloma Road. You then proceed to walk to MotherKart. Was the Sun always this hot you wonder? You struggle to remember the bus stop you're going to as you hop on the bus. You ask the conductor how much the fare is. As he pauses before giving you the price you wearily recall that Port Harcourt conductors will hike the bus fare for you once they got you pegged as a newbie. Unfortunately you are so tired that you couldn't be bother to haggle the extra 10 to 20 naira he's stealing from you. You do manage to mutter a hope that he chokes on it as you offer up the fare. You get to your bus stop and realize with mounting terror that you have no recollection of how to get the next bus you are about to take. You sadly remember a time when you knew the town like the back of your hand and could…..sigh you swallow your pride and politely ask directions. At the back of your mind you wish you were a corper again or could at least still fit into your old uniform. People were so much nicer back then. You get to your destination. Or as close as you can because the name of the real bus stop you wanted as completely escaped your mind. You dodge traffic and okadas as you cross a busy junction. You enter Big Treat. The bakery is just as you remember it. After that walk, and the walk you still have ahead of you figure what the hell. I want this and this and that and that….oh and that too. It comes up to less than what you thought it would be. You wonder if you should get more, but you remember you have no credits on your phone and your account is slowly dwindling. You get out, cross the busy junction then cross Aba Road. You wearily rack your brain for the name of the bus stop you're supposed to be going to. "Drop?" Those magic words put a smile on your face. You enter and get dropped in front of Mo's place. The slippery three story walk up is triumphed over then you flop down next to P-W. You doze off as she starts to talk.
Phase 4: Abuja
Step 1: Your private car ride doesn't work out. You're stuck taking ABC. The bus is 3 hours late then informs you there's no space for your luggage. You yell and rant until something is done. As you're finally getting on the bus, the driver decides to move so you almost topple off the bus. You clutch your precious VAIO to your chest (yes people I LOVE MY VAIO DAMN YOU!! IT'S THE ONLY SLEEK BLACK THING TO GIVE ME PURE UNADULTERATED PLEASURE!!) as you mutter curses under your breath. You get on and there are no seats available. Then you realise you didn't upload enough music on your mp3 player to last through the whole trip. After 10 hours of the torture of being stuck on a bus with UI pensioners you get to Gwagwa-something or the other. There, the driver informs all of you headed to Abuja to get off. Whaaa??? You drag yourself and your belongings off the bus, find your luggage, the lug it to the other bus. Then you hear that the intel was wrong. You drag yourself back. Then they say….after an hour plus being used as a ping pong ball, you settle in the original bus and get to your final destination. By then the crappy AC, dust, fumes from the stupid buses have wreaked their havoc on your sinuses.
Step 2: You need internet. Badly. To get the usb modem, you need money. To get money, you need to find your bank. Its just down the road you are told. So you walk. Just a little further they tell you. So you walk a little more. Northern sun beats down on your unprotected head and you wearily wonder at the back of your mind where you can buy SPF 65 sunscreen. You never find the bank. You turn around and wearily return to the house. You glare at everyone you pass, hating them for lying to you and for actually enjoying this weather. You refuse to leave the house from then on.
If significant weight loss has still not occurred:
Decide to go visit a friend on Adeyi. Decide to walk there seeing as it is in the same estate. You walk up your very long street. As you near Arigidi, you begin to lose some feeling in your legs but hey there's Ojo'o badan right there. Once you walk across you're practically at Adeyi. You cross Osuntokun with a bit more spring in your step and you start down Ojo'o badan. Halfway you see that the street is actually a lot longer that you first estimated. But no okadas are allowed here so you keep walking. Soon, you can see Awolowo Avenue ahead. Then you see the Davies Hotel. Yes! You're there! But, Adeyi starts at No 1 ad you're headed to No 53….
You have a wonderful visit. Feeling well fed and bursting with five years of gossip, you decline a ride home so your host can "escort" and fill you in on all you've missed out on. They leave you at Ojo'o badan. Just a little walk you think in your well fed state. All you have to do is get past Ojo'o badan, cross Osuntokun, and Bob's your uncle you're home! You walk a bit. The soporific effects of the amala start to wear off. That old numb feeling is returning to your legs. You hear the soles of your precious sandals wearing away. You would sell your soul for cold water you think; then look around hopefully for a guy in a red cape, horns, cold water and where you'll sign. Eventually, you get home. Never again you vow.
Prologue: Two days later, another friend tells you, their mom is baking. It's just a short walk you think…...
