Confusion

What makes a relationship? How do you decide that you like someone? How do you know you're dating? How do you behave when you're in a relationship with someone?

I think I have been alone for so long I have no idea how any of it works. I don't remember what constitutes a relationship. What do a boyfriend and a girlfriend do? Only thing I am familiar with these days is the sex. I have emotions, but I am not sure what those are supposed to signify. 

Of course, me being me, I haven't brought this up. Haven't expressed myself, laid my cards out and say exactly how I feel. I need to; just so it's out there and I'm free. But what would I say? I have tried to analyse, be certain of what it is I'm feeling. I do not know what I want, other than this basic primal need.

It won't go away. I have tried. My usual abstaining period is two weeks. My need wears me down by then. A sweeping declaration helped me do two and a half months once, but my need told me pride was stupid. I always indulge my cravings.

Here I am, here I stand. Thoughts fighting to be expressed. But no words yet to describe how I feel, what I want. That's it really, it is not the fear of the impending rejection. I have made peace with that. We do not want the same thing. But somehow, I don't know what it is I feel, or what exactly I want to do with it. 

Should I remain in limbo and let come what may come? If I elect to take a stance, where do I want my feet planted? How would I like it all to play out? I want to just let go and walk away; allow the inevitable divide to begin. Let the forgetting, the slow fade into vague memories happen. But I resist.

I am not ready for it to end. 

Evolution

This past weekend, I sat and read through all my blog posts. I marvelled at my simplicity, my self absorption, my intense desire for attention, my angst, and good lord, the typos - the u's, the small caps, the poorly developed thought process. No wonder I stopped blogging!

Tonight, I logged on planning to fix it all. Delete the silliness, and rewrite the surviving posts. I hit edit, then I realised, this is me. This is who I was 7 years ago. This is how I thought. These are the things I deemed important or relevant. This was how I was able to express myself. Any edit at this point would be the same as how the older generation try to minimise and erase the younger. Rewrites would be me denying the existence of my young, sad self. It would be silencing who I was, and what it was that other me felt mattered to her. 

I'm glad I've changed. I understand things alot better now. I am slightly less self absorbed and I have moved on from certain things. I will continue to cringe at that girl who was. But it shows how and where who I am now came about. In another 7 years, I will cringe at what now me is saying.

TL;DR: I'm not editing my old posts. Everyone must deal with my immature, angsty, emo ass. 😝

Letting Go

Being honest with yourself and coming to terms with situations is so difficult. Especially when it comes to the mess that is my love (for lack of a better word) life. It was pointed out that I like unavailable men. I argue. Insist that no it isn't that way. That...so difficult to put into words. 

I have a problem with emotions. I am practically incapable of expressing them. I am uncomfortable around expressions of them. I have convinced myself that this is why my life is the way it is. I like someone for an insurmountable time. Tell myself and anyone who cares that it's my fault things aren't happening. I point out this, and that. See! He totally too does like me! But he's just afraid. Of me. Of my lack of feelings. 

LOL

A while ago, I clicked. It's what I like to call it when I actually meet someone I am physically attracted to. Likely, he realised my attraction and capitalised on it. Either way, the unprecedented happened. Then he disappeared. It hurt. Hurt in a disturbingly intense way. He reappeared. I let him. It was pointed out that I was doing it again. I made a feeble attempt to listen. But surely, I argued with the moon, surely all that intensity has MEANING. 

At some point, you have to decide whether you want to continue to be ok with the intermittent, inexplicably insanely good sex or do you want to no longer suffer the exhaustion of not being able to voice your thoughts, your protests. Having questions you will never get answers to. 

Letting go shouldn't be some epiphany moment. Doesn't have to come as a climax to some dramatic occurrence. Sometimes, you just realise mid-dismissal of a friend's words that you need to stop and admit that your theory, anout these things and your method are just pure shit. 

Yes, conventional is not for everyone, but you are so not one of those cool ones. Sorry