The 1930's

I woke up this morning ready to die...

I have been trying to write this post for years now. Trying to figure out the perfect, most eloquent way to discuss this. There is so much I want to discuss. Break things down. Pick up every little item and examine it from all angles. 

And today, I am just done. I lost my phone. That's it. I have pulled through more than this, but I can no longer deal. I do not want to.

I thought about death, and none of my usual reasons for staying make any sense. And my usual anchor, my phone, it's gone. I really hope this works. I hope I fall asleep and be finally done.

I am so sorry I did this before your wedding, but I cannot do this anymore. Please be happy. And forgive me. Eventually. Take your time. Just do it for you, cuz I sure don't need it.

I promised you I would stay. And fight, But I can't. I really can't.

I started typing this for you. Cuz I never stop thinking about you. I almost sent you an email, but I didn''t want to deal with the aftermath of spilling my guts in case these pills don't work.

Wouldn't it be fucked up if I survive and I lose my hearing or some shit? Cuz I feel like I'm going deaf in my left ear already.

ugh

More of the Random

I hate reading my posts. Just a bunch of cringe after cringe. HOW ARE THERE SO MANY TYPOS???

But it's cool. I ticked a bunch of stuff off my list this. I feel so foodfeed (if you know, you know).

I also think about you a lot. It is super annoying. Please, why are you in my head? Can we just not do this? I have so much going on and I do not need nor want whatever it is that my mind is trying to do. I need all my wits about me.

I really am in a good place right now. I am terrified that something will happen and wrench it all away from me. The last couple of years have been so stressful. Soooooo stressful. Everything was falling apart. I am shocked that I survived at all. Had to gather myself off the floor so often.

And now, right now. I am happy. I am doing something I love. In a space with people I truly like and respect. I can comfortably do things I could not before. I am terrified of having it taken away from me. Terrified.

But enough about me.

Random

everyone has one of those. a post that is utterly cluelessly random. just type whatever pops into your head. so here's mine.

i'm nervous. assed out nervous. i'm currently packing up my bags. trying to decide what books and movies to take along and i'm headed.....well you'll soon find out. and i am terrified. i've been assured i will be fine. and that i have nothing to worry about....yeah right. so i have a few days to go. barely. i havent even started packing. and i'm still waiting on stuff. sigh. i hate packing. so many damn decisions. and i cant believe how much i actually own. bloody hell. then theres the deciding who to tell and who to just let figure out that you're no longer "here" anymore. then the notifying this and that.

I started this post in 2010. It is 8 years later. Funny how a lot has not really changed. I still have a room full of my stuff that I need to sort through. I have moved a lot. I would really like to stay this space I am currently in. I like my house. My job is also nice. I look forward to what I will do with it. The books I didn't take with me only just arrived a few months ago. Not all of them came. I may have to just accept that I will have to buy those books again, sigh. None of my quirky posters or magnets or little trinkets made it back either. When other people decide what is important to you, this is bound to happen.

In that time, I have discovered a lot about myself, but not really. I have depths and incredible shallowness I didn't believe possible. I have had to stop saying "I would never". Because life keeps showing me that I would. I have weaned people from my life. But not enough. I need to trust people less. Need to stop believing that people are good. I need cynicism in my life. Or I need to move the cynicism I have to other facets of my life. I don't know.

Anyway, this post is done.

Bye