I miss God

lately Miss CaramelD has been voicing things i've had rolling around in my head. i've been going through a lot of things lately. i've probably been here before, but it just feels so much harder this time. and i know, this time, its cuz i dont feel at peace. it doesnt feel like these things are just for a season. i dont see what i am learning. i dont grasp anything. i've stopped praying because almost a year ago, it started to feel like God wasnt listening. at first i thought, he wants me to go through this. so i trudged on. tried to learn from the things going on around me. later i came to the conclusion God wasnt listening. he either was fed up of me, or there was no reason for him to listen. i'd created this mess and my crying out to him was futile. fine. i had to face my bad or faulty decisions. and deal with the consequences. but now, there is something. a block. something just doesnt want me doing what i want, what i need to do. i no longer have a focus. no plan for the future. no ambition.

heavy sigh

One Of Those Days

Its one of those day. Everyone has them. When you wake up and you're miserable. You look for a shoulder to cry on and no one seems to be there. You catalogue your life and cant put your finger on one achievement. You wonder why you're bothering. What exactly the point of anything is. Oh sure you laugh at the shows on TV. But as soon as the moment is over. You just wanna curl up. In the middle of your laugh you shut off the TV and want to cry. Even the soul music people put on in these moments are too damn cheerful for you. You just want silence. But not really. Because then you hear all those voices in your head. Those asking you what in the hell you think you're doing. Those reminding you that you haven't done shit in quite a few years. Those stupid ass bitches pointing out how alone you are. How you're here. On your blog. Because you can't think of a single soul willing to listen to what you have to say.

Yep, one of those days

Upgrade

so i'm stuck in a rut. been depressed about a shit load of stuff lately. about two months ago, i was actually REJECTED. how much lower can a girl fall? really?

anyway folks point is, i have been playing it safe. content to be dour and matronly. semi-mannish and well .....uninteresting is a nice way of putting it. so yesterday, i went out. got my hair done and my eyebrows did. didnt get my nails though cuz i'm kinda broke. but oh well. managed to gather two other like minded girls together and we're going partying tonight. hopefully the DJ doesnt suck or else i'm going to have 2 take over. on my saturday, my plan is to act a fool. just roam the streets. try out some silly things we'd heard about. just generally let loose and shake my newly made hair about. then on sunday i snap back to reality and hopefully be energized for another week. its about time i broke free and started looking forward to my future. sure it isnt as bright as i want. honestly its downright bleak and gloomy. but that just means i need to hang onto the good bits. especially as they are now so few and far between. i need to light a candle, buy batteries for my penlight while i wait for the street lights of my life to flicker back on.

yes, my life sucks. it sucks hard. but i've been doing things the same way for years. it obviously isnt working anymore. before i totally throw in the towel, lets shake things up. try a different tactic. do things i would never do. damn the consequences. so here i come world. a different me. hopefully if i start thinking it, things WILL start looking up!