Writers Block

I have so much to say. Even made a list of the topics I was going to expound on. unfortunately, I get on here, and i have nothing (absolutely nothing!!) to say. There are so many things I'd like to talk about; vent over; get off my chest........but i just can't do it! aaaargh!!!

Something's gotta give! These darn drafts need to get finished, edited and published! Where are my 100 monkeys to punch away at my keyboard?? After watching "Rise of The Planet of the Apes" (frigging awesome movie by the way), I have so much of faith in the lower species.......

Speaking of awesome, I read "Game of Thrones", SO good! I miss reading. I no longer have a bb so I have oh so much time on my hands now. I actually talk to people around me now. and I am reading voraciously again. I may never get back on bb if things keep going on this way! Especially seeing as being off the darn thing is helping me deal with some addictions that were threatening to get out of control.

Let's hope this post get's me rolling......

When I Grow Up

Some people are born lucky. By the time they are 5, they know exactly what they want to do. And they get it done! As do those who figure it out in high school, college, all the epiphany-havers. Then there's people like me. First I wanted to be scientist. I loved the lab and I thought chemicals were the coolest. Then my dad added to my lego collection and I started building awesome houses. Houses cool enough to be displayed on the mantlepiece. I loved staring at houses. I stole my friend's dad's Architecture magazines. Surely, I was meant to be an architect? It couldn't be a coincidence that the only thing I could draw was a house could it? (Seriously, through art class I always made every drawing project they gave us about houses). Then computers became affordable and my dad (that pushover) got me one. I loved computers. I learned with MS DOS and Lotus 1-2-3. I like machines. Like taking things apart. Ah ha! Aeronautical engineer! Nope. I got side tracked. Got convinced I was destined to be a doctor. Then a lawyer. Then.....basically, I am floundering. I have absolutely no idea what I want to be. I don't want to be grown up because then it'll mean I am a failure. Or am I? Must you really know what you want to be? Must you be something when you grow up? Must you grow up?

Why do we still define ourselves by what it is we do? I mean for a living. As opposed to what we do. I mean on a daily basis. When no one is watching. When money or sex or cake isn't involved or offered as some incentive. Why do we let other people define us for us? 

I'm not sure what it is I want to do anymore. But I am having fun exploring. I discover new things about myself. I have learned ways to channel old talents into new avenues. Childhood was about discovery.  (If it wasn't for you, God you had a horrible childhood. Sorry) It feels like you reach adulthood when you've stopped discovering. Honestly, I don't want to grow up. I've known that for a long time. As a child, my favourite song was that Toys'r'us jingle "I don't wanna grow up". Even then I knew adulthood was a farce. So ummmm yeah, still clueless about my future. Getting old super duper fast. Stopped sweating it though. 

How Do You Know?

Some people get it right the first time around. You know, that whole relationship thing. I know so many couples who dated their way to marriage. They shared all their firsts with their spouses. The poor saps. Then there are those who endure a few bumps along the road before they get it. Finally they hit that sweet note. One proposes, the other accepts, and Shangri-La. Make you sick to your stomach don't they? Then there are those who coast through (love) life. At some point they look around and decide "you'll do" then accept or proffer a proposal and continue coasting. Eventually they get busted by some STD or text or child with questionable parentage (ah dreams). Finally, there's me. Who sits on the sidelines and wonders at all these things going on. I mean, how do you know?

Relationships are about deciding what is worth fighting for and what should be let go (or so I heard somewhere) but who gets to decide? Every time I get the I'm getting married call I just want to ask "What led you to this decision?". The responses I've heard are varied and they frankly all sound like poppy-cock to me. But maybe that's it though. There is no concrete reason. It is a personal decision based on whatever drives you. I guess in the end, you just......know? My head hurts.

Quitters' Anonymous: First Meeting

hi, my name is incoherent and i am a quitter.

it didn't happen all at once. think it started years ago. when my first dream was cut down. i doggedly accepted the cards life had dealt me. and made no effort whatsoever to fight for what i wanted. i figured what had happened was meant to be. i resigned myself to fate. years later, i was presented with another opportunity to fulfill this dream. which, despite the years, the setbacks, the tears.....was still there. again, i met resistance. and again, i took the cowardly path of least resistance. and again, i trudged doggedly on. the initial plan was to use the means provided to somehow fuel the dream. but, that cowardly streak showed up (damn it to hell!). told me i couldnt do it. but i still wanted to be something. so i resolved to focus on what was in hand.

then suddenly, i. just. couldnt. do. it. not anymore. slowly, i began to shut down. stopped caring. the little things no longer gave me joy. my achievements past, present, and most importantly FUTURE no longer mattered. maybe because i no longer had any present ones. but the reason i no longer had any was because i just wasnt trying. rationally, i knew all this. but that evil voice that revels in my inactivity continued to whisper. and then boldly speak. now it shouts so loudly i cant hear anything else. and so, today, i officially give up. throw in the towel. there is nothing that can be done to salvage my lifes, my dreams, my goals.

hi, my name is incohrent, and i quit.