I am fat. There is no denying it. I hate people who try to reassure me that I'm okay. Although, I abhor those who agree when I say it. Lie to me damn you! The appropriate response is "oh you're not that fat luv". Learn it practise it. So those of you who not only agree but go even further to point out my smooth, round 3 months belle and chicken wing arms........A POX ON YE!
Fine, I am not as big now as I was two years ago. The Naija Weight Loss plan really worked! I was steadily losing weight, but recently reached a plateau and even started regaining weight at one point. Drastic action had to be taken.
First, I shut my eyes and joined a gym. I hate gyms. I hate running on a treadmill or riding a stationary bike. I mean seriously. a STATIONARY BIKE! Why would a sane person get on that and ride and go nowhere?! They don't even provide one of those moving scenery things so you feel like you're headed somewhere. Bleh. The place has personal trainers which means there's always someone making me do all this hard stuff. (and I really hate being told what to do). Those evil beings pass around increasing my treadmill pace just when I'm getting comfortable. I never have enough wind to cuss them out. And I'm too blinded by sweat to glare properly. Then the aerobics classes. Ugh! Grown ass people jumping around to music. 99 % of the women have never heard of a sports bra. Spandex reigning supreme. *dry heave* Yoga classes are the worst! You put me on a mat, play deadass music then expect me NOT to fall asleep? I mean! Come oon people! But despite all, I have persevered. I have perfected my routine and now I never (rarely, sometimes, not too many) miss a day. I do a 30 minute walk to the gym, stay for at least an hour and do the 30 minute walk back home. I do as much as possible not to cheat. It's been fun. I love the weight training. So much of cute butts and back to (myopically) stare at.
Then it turns out you need to eat to lose weight. Waiting too long between meals causes bloating. Who knew! Now seeing as I only eat once a day, it explains my massive pot. To remedy this, I'm setting 4 hour timers. Goes off 30 mins before time so I can go forage for food. Let's see how all of this pans out......
Next, I focused on my diet. Already, I never eat after 7 pm. Been on that for years now. hurts my tummy when I eat late anyway. I don't stick to it, but when I do, the awesome flatness of my tummy the next morning is so invigorating! Now, I've also cut down my sugar. I do mean my sugar. I'm the sort who sprinkles sugar on plantain before frying. (Caramelised dodo yummmmmmmm!) I've also reduced my salt intake. I am over cake now. And bread. And ice cream *sob sob* No, I'm not. Not really. I just discovered this lady who makes marvelous chessecake. And I've convinced several bros to buy me cake. I love cake. I really do..........
So I can't remember why I started this post. It was supposed to be this really funny tirade on how perpetually hungry I am. And how all diets totally suck. Jeez! When did I become this boring?
Cake
