Doubt

He cheated. Well, not technically. No court of law would ever convict him. But it doesn't change the fact that what he did was wrong. He hurt me. He lied to me. No matter what I did, how I felt about him I just could not get past that.

Finally, he apologizes. After asking not to be labelled, put in a box, having his intentions "interpreted for him", straight up insisting he did nothing wrong.....he admits he was wrong. I accept the apology. I forgive him.

Or have I? He's said sorry. He's moved on. He's not with me. I should just let it all go shouldn't I? So why can't I? And it's not even the getting back together angle. I know I'm going to get over wanting him back. But, why is it that I would even consider it?

When significant others stray, how do their partners take them back? I'm not sure I would? I remember the bible, WWJD, and the whole 70 x 7 thing. But how in the world do you move past that? Not consider that fact in any and every decision you take?

He preferred her to me. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I became the side chick and she the main one. Maybe that's what hurts. So it's a pride thing. Ok. I can deal with that.....I think.

Dear You

I want you in my life. I really really do. I don't even know why. You have been a fixture for just a little too long. Never have I ever felt this way. Never. Not this strong and certainly not this long. Even from great distances I hear you. I feel your thoughts. It's like you're here. With me. Or I'm there. With you. I ache for you. Thinking about you. The possibility of seeing you. Turns me giddy. A glimpse of you splits my mouth into the widest of grins. I love you. There, I said it. There is no other way to say. I can't see it being anything but that.

You're not perfect. Far from it. If I'd had to choose it would always have been the other. They have all I need. But you are all I want. You're all I want.

This is all in my head. You don't feel the same. You've said as much.

How Do You Know?

Some people get it right the first time around. You know, that whole relationship thing. I know so many couples who dated their way to marriage. They shared all their firsts with their spouses. The poor saps. Then there are those who endure a few bumps along the road before they get it. Finally they hit that sweet note. One proposes, the other accepts, and Shangri-La. Make you sick to your stomach don't they? Then there are those who coast through (love) life. At some point they look around and decide "you'll do" then accept or proffer a proposal and continue coasting. Eventually they get busted by some STD or text or child with questionable parentage (ah dreams). Finally, there's me. Who sits on the sidelines and wonders at all these things going on. I mean, how do you know?

Relationships are about deciding what is worth fighting for and what should be let go (or so I heard somewhere) but who gets to decide? Every time I get the I'm getting married call I just want to ask "What led you to this decision?". The responses I've heard are varied and they frankly all sound like poppy-cock to me. But maybe that's it though. There is no concrete reason. It is a personal decision based on whatever drives you. I guess in the end, you just......know? My head hurts.

Him

I woke up this morning and started playing with my contacts list. Adding pictures, editing birthdays, attaching notes to the special people. I got to HIM. said things i'd had rolling around in my head. then i read mancee's post, which inspired me to write this one.

everyone has in their head what that ONE will be like. whether or not u've voiced it or written it down, there are certain things that that PERSON just HAS to have. HE had so many of it. so very many. that boy just GOT me. but he was a first class whore. cheated on me from like the first day. i stuck with it. did the long distance thing cuz....get this......HE wanted to. and then i got tired of the doubts. the brush-offs. the one-sided communication. i broke it off. we stayed in touch. remained firm friends. then i have people calling me.

"so you're getting married."
"huh?"
"o HE told us he's getting married. figured it was you. "
"ummm we broke up remember?"
"..............so what's new these days huh? how's the weather n all..........."

so i ask him. he's like o yeah i am. next dec. really? cool. to whom? wait, isnt that the girl we fought over? that u denied seeing? congratulations. come for your wedding? sure! send me the details.

no, i dont attend the wedding. but we're still friends. talked all the way up to his wedding. are you excited? what changes are you making? yeah, marriage is scary but you're happy all that matters.

she's about to have his baby. i'm putting together a care package for the tot. i'm clinically insane. yes. but i love him. like a brother. a friend. for pretty obvious reasons i'm not in the least bit hurt he's with her (ok ok it hurt like hell!!.........but only 4 a little while. riiiiiiiight).

thing is, despite all the drama (and believe me! there was PLENTY of it) HIM even existing means that my list is too realistic. that those unvoiced things that i want, i can get them. yeah i'm holding HIM as an ideal, but only in the way that yes, my ideal can exist. hopefully my one true HIM wont have the holes this pseudo-HIM has.........eeerr had! i meant HAD. he's married now, a changed man he says.

hmph..........

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

valentine's day, love songs, romantic movies, m&b, harlequin these were all invented to make fools out of all us. diabolical people sit around all day and come up with new ways of turning us into blithering idiots. have us believing in frivolous untruths like "love", "happy endings", "the spark". instead of accepting the inevitability, focusing on much more tangible things in life like money, material possessions, education. now THOSE things give fulfillment. where has "love" gotten any of us? seriously? a hot chick feels inferior if no one's "in love" with her; smart, successful incredibly intelligent guys (and girls....worse for the girls; god help you if u have HALF a brain) are alone. and they forget all they have achieved in the wake of that single fact that noone "loves" them.

then the books. oh the books! i'm still waiting for all the sparks they talk about. and have you noticed that in the books AND the movies they finish with them driving off into the sunset. why dont you show us what happens 6 months down the road huh?? if this stayed in romantic novels n movies that would be fine. but now, even my darling action movies MUST have a love interest. the hero has to FEEL something "he has never felt before". like what the HELL??

why do we do this to ourselves? i'll tell you why!! we've been programmed. those fuckers have us all whooped. i'm telling you these people are diabolical. its like hoobastank's "the reason", or savage garden's "truly madly deeply", even in "he's just not that into" the psycho stalker girl.....wait lets not totally spoil the ending but i gotta tell ya its .......(GAG)........happy. and if i get started on brian mcknight n boyz ii men.......AAAAAARGH!!!!!.....

So what brings on this rant you ask? the script has this song and every time i listen to it, i turn to absolute mush. as i type this tirade i played just a portion of it and i started seeing bunnies, and rainbows and had a sudden urge to read penny jordan or danielle steele. i mean the song is about a guy sitting on a street corner waiting for a chick he met a while ago. how implausible is that? seriously? and yet, EVERYTIME i listen to the song i find myself rooting for him. becoming ecstatically, deliriously happy as he talks abt how she 'll come running into his arms blah blah de flippin' blah.

seriously though, what is the appeal of love songs, books, and movies? why do we let them lull us into believe in things utterly illogical? i guess with all the bad stuff going on. the horrors pervading the world, its nice to dream and believe in the good things. to have something that warms your heart to look forward to. karl marx says religion is the opiate of the masses. i disagree, its "love".

hey dont forget to mention how MY version of things is waaay better than freak's :)

Strictly For The Guys (ok, the girls can peek too)

Read this post on MSN, thought I should share it. I really want responses. Trying to figure something out.