When I Grow Up

Some people are born lucky. By the time they are 5, they know exactly what they want to do. And they get it done! As do those who figure it out in high school, college, all the epiphany-havers. Then there's people like me. First I wanted to be scientist. I loved the lab and I thought chemicals were the coolest. Then my dad added to my lego collection and I started building awesome houses. Houses cool enough to be displayed on the mantlepiece. I loved staring at houses. I stole my friend's dad's Architecture magazines. Surely, I was meant to be an architect? It couldn't be a coincidence that the only thing I could draw was a house could it? (Seriously, through art class I always made every drawing project they gave us about houses). Then computers became affordable and my dad (that pushover) got me one. I loved computers. I learned with MS DOS and Lotus 1-2-3. I like machines. Like taking things apart. Ah ha! Aeronautical engineer! Nope. I got side tracked. Got convinced I was destined to be a doctor. Then a lawyer. Then.....basically, I am floundering. I have absolutely no idea what I want to be. I don't want to be grown up because then it'll mean I am a failure. Or am I? Must you really know what you want to be? Must you be something when you grow up? Must you grow up?

Why do we still define ourselves by what it is we do? I mean for a living. As opposed to what we do. I mean on a daily basis. When no one is watching. When money or sex or cake isn't involved or offered as some incentive. Why do we let other people define us for us? 

I'm not sure what it is I want to do anymore. But I am having fun exploring. I discover new things about myself. I have learned ways to channel old talents into new avenues. Childhood was about discovery.  (If it wasn't for you, God you had a horrible childhood. Sorry) It feels like you reach adulthood when you've stopped discovering. Honestly, I don't want to grow up. I've known that for a long time. As a child, my favourite song was that Toys'r'us jingle "I don't wanna grow up". Even then I knew adulthood was a farce. So ummmm yeah, still clueless about my future. Getting old super duper fast. Stopped sweating it though. 

How Do You Know?

Some people get it right the first time around. You know, that whole relationship thing. I know so many couples who dated their way to marriage. They shared all their firsts with their spouses. The poor saps. Then there are those who endure a few bumps along the road before they get it. Finally they hit that sweet note. One proposes, the other accepts, and Shangri-La. Make you sick to your stomach don't they? Then there are those who coast through (love) life. At some point they look around and decide "you'll do" then accept or proffer a proposal and continue coasting. Eventually they get busted by some STD or text or child with questionable parentage (ah dreams). Finally, there's me. Who sits on the sidelines and wonders at all these things going on. I mean, how do you know?

Relationships are about deciding what is worth fighting for and what should be let go (or so I heard somewhere) but who gets to decide? Every time I get the I'm getting married call I just want to ask "What led you to this decision?". The responses I've heard are varied and they frankly all sound like poppy-cock to me. But maybe that's it though. There is no concrete reason. It is a personal decision based on whatever drives you. I guess in the end, you just......know? My head hurts.

Quitters' Anonymous: First Meeting

hi, my name is incoherent and i am a quitter.

it didn't happen all at once. think it started years ago. when my first dream was cut down. i doggedly accepted the cards life had dealt me. and made no effort whatsoever to fight for what i wanted. i figured what had happened was meant to be. i resigned myself to fate. years later, i was presented with another opportunity to fulfill this dream. which, despite the years, the setbacks, the tears.....was still there. again, i met resistance. and again, i took the cowardly path of least resistance. and again, i trudged doggedly on. the initial plan was to use the means provided to somehow fuel the dream. but, that cowardly streak showed up (damn it to hell!). told me i couldnt do it. but i still wanted to be something. so i resolved to focus on what was in hand.

then suddenly, i. just. couldnt. do. it. not anymore. slowly, i began to shut down. stopped caring. the little things no longer gave me joy. my achievements past, present, and most importantly FUTURE no longer mattered. maybe because i no longer had any present ones. but the reason i no longer had any was because i just wasnt trying. rationally, i knew all this. but that evil voice that revels in my inactivity continued to whisper. and then boldly speak. now it shouts so loudly i cant hear anything else. and so, today, i officially give up. throw in the towel. there is nothing that can be done to salvage my lifes, my dreams, my goals.

hi, my name is incohrent, and i quit.

16 Days of Activism

Starting November 25th of every year and ending on the 10th of December, activists all over the world celebrate something that has been dubbed "16 Days of Activism". It was started in 1991 and has since then been a period set aside to create awareness and come up with lasting solutions to the global problem of gender violence.

The first day- November 25 is the International Day of NO Violence Against Women. The last day -December 10 is Human Rights Day. In between these dates, December 1 is World AIDS Day, December 3 is the International Day for the Disabled and December 6th is the remembrance of the Montreal Massacre: in 1989, Marc Lepine entered the Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal and killed 14 female engineering students and injured many others because "he hated feminists". On him, he had a list of prominent women in the Quebec area including the first female firefighter and a lament that "if he had acted sooner, they wouldn't be alive".

All over the world, organizations come together to plan events, give talks, have seminars and of course, write articles. My very own mini-me wrote this moving piece about a home in South Africa that caters to women who have suffered from any form of violence. From what I can see from this site, there is a lot going on in Southern Africa. And I am jealous! Because I did not see a similar site for Nigeria or even West Africa for that matter.

Given that our continent is ridden with wars where the majority of the casualties are women and children; now include the fact we are still under the thumb a lot of oppressive cultures and beliefs that completely subjugate and belittle women, what do you get? A very sad incoherent. I am as much to blame as the rest of my country (and region). I am so caught up in griping about my lack of electricity (which i STILL haven't had! 2nd straight month!). I have not stopped to bother about the million odd women around me who were not fortunate to have been allowed a voice or even a mind of their own. Women who are "grateful" to their beaters and rapists; those who sell them, trade them, dump them then do the same to their young children.

There is so much to be done. And I grow weary thinking of the battles we have yet to win. So I will just admit right now, I have no interest in feminism or all of that. For me, I need my country to get to the stage where we have a stable government with proper accountability. Without that, all the social ills I want to correct (don't get me started on the AIDS epidemic stats for Nigeria, or the state of.....well, EVERYTHING!) can only get so far. And nothing I get done will have a lasting effect without continuous, responsible leadership.

However, today's just the 8th, 16 days isn't over yet. I will do what I can the last 2 days and I do promise come November 25, 2011, I WILL play my part and I promise it won't be a small one (mimi-me it's your job to keeep me to that!).

PS: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE visit the links above. I hope something touches each and everyone of you and you DO something no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. The apathy that surrounds me depresses me and is threatening to drag me into its mire. I need hope. I need someone to stand with me; not tell me I'm whining or point out the little I've done. Stand with me. Give me the support to galvanize me into action. Or better still, do something and don't involve me. Leave me be on my soapbox. But once in a while, lemme know that you hear me. Thanks.

Mini Me

My girl Ottilia is ripping her adopted country a new one in her most recent post. Please read and reply. She will also be on eNews this Saturday at 10:30 am our time on Ch 420 on DSTV. Not exactly sure we get that channel over here, but if we do, be sure to tune in!

No, this isnt a shameless plug for my mini me. This is just a reminder of what and how we should all be feeling about this great continent of ours. Her post "Do you know who you love?" speaks of exactly how I feel about my country and my color and my race. Fierce patriotism is not an embarrassment or a thing to hide. I have friends who are fiercely loyal to Liverpool despite their sad performances and yet they are unable to garner just a fraction of that enthusiasm for their motherland/fatherland and heritage. Why is this? Despite our many faults and shortcomings, this land is OURS. And we should love and honor and cherish it. Many people wonder what you see in that man or woman or your wayward child. And yet you ignore what you see or has been said or thought. Turn your nose up and are like "those guys just don't see you the way I do". then you hold that one closer and keep hoping and praying and doing what you can to make it so everyone finally sees what it is you see.

Ok. My gen is complaining. I cant blog like I want to because I cannot remember how it is to enjoy electricity anymore. But oh well.....

Things Nigeria Has Taught Me To Never Take For Granted

1. hitting a light switch will turn on a light

2. 1 GB download takes 5 minutes or less

3. left over food goes in the refrigerator not the dustbin

4. that SONY power pack i bought from that "reputable" store is an original

5. there is ALWAYS cold water

6. i can drive out @ 10 pm for a late night snack and find somewhere open

7. wearing mid-thigh shorts and a tank top on a freakishly hot day will not raise eyebrows

8. customer service oriented companies like banks, restaurants and MTN actually practice customer service

9. customer services reps know better than to say to a customer "now how would you feel if i came to your business and shouted at you like that"

10. the manager of the MTN Ibadan office will get up and come out to placate an irate customer instead of sitting in his office and expecting you to come to him (yes! i have serious beef with MTN!)

11. fact that you are an intelligent accomplished woman rather than a ring on your left second finger is sufficient to get you the respect you deserve

12. your senators and other holders of public office need your vote so they actually attempt to do things to benefit the community

13. getting caught doing wrong is a bad thing. in other pays, CRIME DOESN'T PAY

14. that i can get up and work overnight without coming out to turn on the gen (after calculating if i can afford the required fuel of course)

15. that it wouldn't take me 3 weeks to put up this ONE blog post :(

He's Just Not That Into You

i wrote this eons ago. dunno why i only have it saved as a word draft. oh well. i'm impressed at my own writing hence the repost. enjoy........

Ok so I have developed this crush. well its just effing ridiculous!

over the past couple months, I have been spending a considerable amount of time thinking about him. Analyzing every phone call, every text. Dreaming about all the sweet things he would tell me and how that pause in that sentence so said that he was like so totally into me..........SIGH

.....then I went to the movies to watch "He's Just Not That Into You" and it hit me. Woman WTF are you doing? I swear that movie is so not getting the props it deserves. Now normally, I am NOT a chick flick person. The girls wanted to watch "Confessions of A Shopaholic" I left them to watch Watchmen (in IMAX no less). I'm raving about 30 days of night and 300 and the girls are talking about.....ummmm.....errrrrr.........you know, whatever it is that girls like to watch.

So anyway, the movie, this crazy chick flick that has so much oestrogen that I strongly advice no guy to go watch it with a girl (heaven knows what may happen to you in that dark dark place) got me thinking. And I shamefully realised how much I was projecting. Sure I'd been warned severly about the error of my thinking, but hey I'm a girl. I HAVE to believe that I am that exception. You know the one that will "make him realise what true love is"....or something to that effect. I have always tried my hardest to be honest with myself. But I do slip, and this time I had slipped really badly. That movie set me straight. Yeah I still thought about him the rest of that day and the day after. But the following night, that movie helped me do what people who truly loved me and want the best for me couldn't quite get me to do; I boned. As in totally switched off. Of course, to help me out, I also deleted all texts, numbers, call lists everything. I am so proud of myself!

Man no be everything. Sure I'm gonna miss him a bit. He's a lot of fun, a great friend, and pretty soon I'd have weened myself off him and we'll be back to where we were. When I could admire his muscular chest and that oh so very scratchable back.........but only in the clinical way I've checked guys out for years. (Yes boys, I am one of those chicks who checks out your butt when you walk away he he)

Thank you Drew Barrymore and Greg Behrendt for that totally awesome movie. And girls, seriously go watch it and take a pen and paper with you......

PS: dang! this was my hundreth post! hmmm need to take more notice of these things......

Random Post

This is a means of jolting me back to blogging. so its reeeeaaaaally random.

I have a bb now. And I spend waaaay too much time on it. The qwerty keyboard has spoiled me and I fully expect that as I type my "i's", it will automatically become I and hitting space bar twice inserts a full stop and starts a new question see?

celibacy is not in my bb dictionary. hmmmmm.......

i have a new job which i dont like. the pay sucks and i stick out like a sore thumb among my colleagues. none of them get my jokes :(

i've finally listened to willow smith's "whip my hair" and i love it. yemzel says i should go watch the video. i will. eventually.

oh and i made friends. 2 new female friends. how scary is that? yemzel and ottilia. they're cool peoples.

Ottilia is a mini me. pretty soon she'll come to accept it.

i had a horrible weekend n i hope to improve on it this coming weekend. wish me luck?

i have a lot to blog about so i'm making a list. might actually get around to typing it. power has been annoyingly erratic around here for some weeks now. cant start a post i'm not likely to finish.

if anyone knows if there's a blackberry app for blogs lemme no! enjoy your week everyone!



ps: when i was mentioning new friends, forgot to add this "new" female. she isnt technically new. known her for a while, but we just recently became cool. she likes my blog. actually thinks i'm a good writer. since i've read something she wrote. which actually got published in a magazine! i'm terribly flattered. trying to convince her to start a blog. heeeeeey ziariz! :D

Unsolved Mysteries

A lot of people get asked, if you could have a conversation with God, what would you talk about? For me I would want an explanation to these eternal nagging questions:
1. What happened to Amelia Earhart?
2. Who took the Lindberg baby and why? Or did the baby never leave the house at all?
3. Was Jimmy Hoffa really killed? And where did they hide his body if he was?
4. What happened on the Marie Celeste?
5. Was there a second gunman on that grassy knoll?

Those are the true mysteries of life. Knowing anything else would take all the fun out. A life without pain and suffering means you never learn endurance. Heartbreak helps you recognize love when you see it. I'm always scared about heaven. At the risk of sounding sacrilegeous, the truth is I've always felt heaven would be boring. There would be no books to read. No movies to watch. No music to listen.....except instrumentals. On HARPS no less! And seriously, how long can the awe of God's presence last before it wears a little thin?We're talking eternity here guys.
Human existence is about finding your way. Finding your fundamental truth. It's what we write about. What we create music about. It's what we go to visit cinemas to watch. Buy video games to play. I've hurt. I've cried. I've asked God why. But, having him answer that, well it would be like being given the answers to a crossword puzzle. The fun is being able to figure it out on your own. So yeah, if God were to come, I wouldn't ask him how to cure cancer. That's what my phd is for. Instead I would want to know what really happened in that bunker where Hitler was supposed to have committed suicide. And did OJ really do it?

Birthday Blues

In a couple of hours I am going to be a year closer to 30. I am not a happy camper. I am a scared, lonely, broke, old ass chick. Scratch that, an old hag who has refused to outgrow her tomboy ways. I'm hard on myself I know. At some level, I must be this totally hot chick who's intelligent, funny, lovely to be with.....at least that's what my current fan is telling me. See, I'm liking this dude and he's been calling and texting everyday. Not so much that I'm creeped out but just enough to keep me looking forward to hearing from him. However, I've got a really hot friend he seems to be checking out.

Then there's my job situation. Still don't have one. And I don't want one. Not really. Somehow over the years I have come to believe and expect that I will love whatever job I have. And nothing out there has given me that tingle I'm looking for. I need to stop being starry-eyed. My chief advisor is of the opinion that it is about time I did what needed to be done and stop expecting to be "happy". Ok....

Then there's my education issue. I want to go further. Want to be top at my field. Want to learn so much more. At the end of every educational hurdle it feels like I haven't really learned anything. I don't feel knowledgable in the least about my so-called field of expertise. Again my advisor says " inco get on with your life and get married already (stupid jerk)".

So here I am. Another birthday. Utterly depressed. Wishing I were anywhere but here. No that's not true. Wishing I were where I thought I'd be oh so many years ago when my current wide-eyed expectations were still ok to have. When did it become not allowed for someone to hope and dream and expect that their life would work out the way they wanted it?

This is such a low and depressing post. Ok something upbeat: I WANT A BB FOR MY BIRTHDAY! A Curve if you please. A Bold 2 even nicer :)


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