In a couple of hours I am going to be a year closer to 30. I am not a happy camper. I am a scared, lonely, broke, old ass chick. Scratch that, an old hag who has refused to outgrow her tomboy ways. I'm hard on myself I know. At some level, I must be this totally hot chick who's intelligent, funny, lovely to be with.....at least that's what my current fan is telling me. See, I'm liking this dude and he's been calling and texting everyday. Not so much that I'm creeped out but just enough to keep me looking forward to hearing from him. However, I've got a really hot friend he seems to be checking out.
Then there's my job situation. Still don't have one. And I don't want one. Not really. Somehow over the years I have come to believe and expect that I will love whatever job I have. And nothing out there has given me that tingle I'm looking for. I need to stop being starry-eyed. My chief advisor is of the opinion that it is about time I did what needed to be done and stop expecting to be "happy". Ok....
Then there's my education issue. I want to go further. Want to be top at my field. Want to learn so much more. At the end of every educational hurdle it feels like I haven't really learned anything. I don't feel knowledgable in the least about my so-called field of expertise. Again my advisor says " inco get on with your life and get married already (stupid jerk)".
So here I am. Another birthday. Utterly depressed. Wishing I were anywhere but here. No that's not true. Wishing I were where I thought I'd be oh so many years ago when my current wide-eyed expectations were still ok to have. When did it become not allowed for someone to hope and dream and expect that their life would work out the way they wanted it?
This is such a low and depressing post. Ok something upbeat: I WANT A BB FOR MY BIRTHDAY! A Curve if you please. A Bold 2 even nicer :)
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6 comments:
Awww...My dear! No matter wat we face, it's never enuff to kill our joy or prevent us from being happy. You really might not have an idea of how much God has done for you over the past years, but there's something you should be thankful for - LIFE. Someone once said the RICHEST place in the world is the GRAVEYARD (A place of wasted talents)
Have fun my dear - We all deserve that! Cheers!
Girlfriendddddddd!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Belated Birthday!!! I mean it!! Do you why? Because if you were not a year older you would be dead!
Now listen to Aunty Caramel, I know what it's like to be kissing distance to 30 and realise that all your plans have not come to fruition and yes it sucks ass BUT, you just have to re-set your sat nav and look for another route. Norrin do you!!! PS But erm yeah you will have to get a job sharpish then while you are there earning money you can lookfor your dream job and save money for your next bout of academia!
@ mr t thanks :) both for the visit n the comment
@ caramelD ironically, i've now got a job. yay me (totally straight face)
I just stumbled across your blog and I am enjoying your opinions on things. I too got very down when I turned 30 and when I turned 25. I will probably get down every five years because I have not completed what I wanted to complete in life. Where I am now, I realize that I don't really know what it is that I want to do so what's the point in being down when my arrow isn't even pointed in a specific direction yet? Great post... keep writing.
http://lifesopredictable.blogspot.com/
turning 30 does strange things to people..but at least we are alive to bitch about it and for that i am always grateful.
Just keep your head up darl..we make our own happiness...i am still trying to wrap my head around that cos i also have a knack for being in the dumps...but once you have the secret to making your own happiness..even turning the big 40 won't seem so scary....
@ziariz i've not turned thirty o! trust me, when i hit that horrifying number, all of blogville go hear am!
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