Wanted:

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Take Me As I Am

the latest craze in town is to get incoherent a man. even guys are getting in on it. asking me about this guy or that. pointing out the good qualities of this dude or that one. there's one chick who has been threatening to create a profile for me on one of these online dating sites. now, i am even more guarded with my pictures than i used to be. sigh.

as if that weren't bad enough, i now get advice on how i can "fix" myself so i can get the man:

lose that stomach. dress better. wear makeup. show more cleavage. you're too bossy. need to tone it down. don't be so sarcastic. let the man be a man. must you be so geeky? no one cares about the wonders of the LHC. put down that popular mechanics; here, read a cosmo. why are you in this aisle drooling over that drill set?

why must it be that there is something wrong me? why can it not be that i am going through a me phase right now, and a man wouldn't fit in? what is wrong in expecting a man to want me for me? the tomboy dork who wants to change the world. i like museums and the opera and Broadway. i also like T.I and Eminem and Nas. I have partied 4 days straight getting only 6 hours of sleep in between. but i have also sat in the lab for the same 4 days on the same 6 hours of sleep.

my point is i don't want to change. i have room for improvement. we all do. but i don't want anyone who cannot be content with the me of right now. i don't want or ask my loved ones to change. if they change for the better in some way, thats cool. but i will love them even if they never change. do i not have the right to ask for the same acceptance of me in return?

so man, boyfriend, love, husband: if you actually exist (because i don't believe everyone is meant to be married or "with" someone), you better come willing to to me just as i am cuz i aint changing.....at least not until i am good and well ready to.

I miss God

lately Miss CaramelD has been voicing things i've had rolling around in my head. i've been going through a lot of things lately. i've probably been here before, but it just feels so much harder this time. and i know, this time, its cuz i dont feel at peace. it doesnt feel like these things are just for a season. i dont see what i am learning. i dont grasp anything. i've stopped praying because almost a year ago, it started to feel like God wasnt listening. at first i thought, he wants me to go through this. so i trudged on. tried to learn from the things going on around me. later i came to the conclusion God wasnt listening. he either was fed up of me, or there was no reason for him to listen. i'd created this mess and my crying out to him was futile. fine. i had to face my bad or faulty decisions. and deal with the consequences. but now, there is something. a block. something just doesnt want me doing what i want, what i need to do. i no longer have a focus. no plan for the future. no ambition.

heavy sigh

One Of Those Days

Its one of those day. Everyone has them. When you wake up and you're miserable. You look for a shoulder to cry on and no one seems to be there. You catalogue your life and cant put your finger on one achievement. You wonder why you're bothering. What exactly the point of anything is. Oh sure you laugh at the shows on TV. But as soon as the moment is over. You just wanna curl up. In the middle of your laugh you shut off the TV and want to cry. Even the soul music people put on in these moments are too damn cheerful for you. You just want silence. But not really. Because then you hear all those voices in your head. Those asking you what in the hell you think you're doing. Those reminding you that you haven't done shit in quite a few years. Those stupid ass bitches pointing out how alone you are. How you're here. On your blog. Because you can't think of a single soul willing to listen to what you have to say.

Yep, one of those days

Upgrade

so i'm stuck in a rut. been depressed about a shit load of stuff lately. about two months ago, i was actually REJECTED. how much lower can a girl fall? really?

anyway folks point is, i have been playing it safe. content to be dour and matronly. semi-mannish and well .....uninteresting is a nice way of putting it. so yesterday, i went out. got my hair done and my eyebrows did. didnt get my nails though cuz i'm kinda broke. but oh well. managed to gather two other like minded girls together and we're going partying tonight. hopefully the DJ doesnt suck or else i'm going to have 2 take over. on my saturday, my plan is to act a fool. just roam the streets. try out some silly things we'd heard about. just generally let loose and shake my newly made hair about. then on sunday i snap back to reality and hopefully be energized for another week. its about time i broke free and started looking forward to my future. sure it isnt as bright as i want. honestly its downright bleak and gloomy. but that just means i need to hang onto the good bits. especially as they are now so few and far between. i need to light a candle, buy batteries for my penlight while i wait for the street lights of my life to flicker back on.

yes, my life sucks. it sucks hard. but i've been doing things the same way for years. it obviously isnt working anymore. before i totally throw in the towel, lets shake things up. try a different tactic. do things i would never do. damn the consequences. so here i come world. a different me. hopefully if i start thinking it, things WILL start looking up!

Independence Day

Today, my country is 49. A whole FORTY NINE!! Another year, we'll be half a century old.

A lot of people say Nigeria is in shambles. That it is a terrible place. I see a lot of people hustling, doing whatever they can to "travel"; "go abroad". The various embassies are full to the brim. Even tiny ass countries have no respect for Nigerians. Because everyone is "suffering" there...or so outsiders have been led to believe.

Unfortunately, I have never seen this Nigeria. My Nigeria, the Nigeria I see is one full of opportunities. Its a Nigeria filled to the brim with talent. Talent that big time companies all over the world are hungry to tap into. The Nigeria I grew up in was one in which the standard of education, for someone looking for it, was stellar. I thoroughly enjoyed attending school there.

People are poor. Boohoo. In the US during this time of recession, statistics just reported that the rich have actually become RICHER while the poor and the middle class are losing money......sound familiar? Yet in this poor Nigerian economy, people own their own homes. Their own land. If you own a car, its most likely yours free and clear.

We have corrupt leaders. Who doesnt? Seriously.

I hear about all these "problems"; everything that is wrong with the country. We openly criticize our homeland to perfect strangers. But has anyone done anything about it. Personally, everyday, I crack my head and I ask God to guide me. To show me how I can use the little talents I have to better my country. I try to make a contribution where I can. I have always supported home grown. I am fiercely loyal. Fiercely patriotic. I really wish I could be political, but I'm not.

I wish there were more people like me. No, dont comment saying you are. I get way too many: "if i could leave this country', "this foolish country", "i beg i dey look 4 greener pastures", "i have no plans of going to naija. lai lai!!" So i most certainly dont believe any of you. We keep saying we have no control over how our country is run. But I think we need to look back to 49 years ago, then 10, even 2 years ago. We ARE moving forward. What we need is patience. In our heads, we are already super powers. That's good, we need to dream big. But unfortunately, in reality, we are the ants on the grass the elephants are trampling. But thank God, with the genetic manipulations going on, that doesnt have to be our permanent state (sorry, i had to go geek right there he he). Let's keep pressing forward. We're only 49. Yeah that's old in human eyes, but countrywise. we still get snot for nose. So keep it up guys. Keep your shoulder to the wheel. Forget instant gratification, and prepare for a time when your descendants will be proud of their ancestry because you did what was needed to get Nigeria where you want it.

Let's WORK at being that Giant we keep wanting the world to see us as. Dont forget, at one time, shaq was a lil squirt.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

The Date That Never Was- a true story

My friend comes to visit. We had a fun weekend, then on sunday i take him to go visit his childhood friends. who are now engineers. we meet the first friend. yawn! boring! his subscription to popular science is waay more interesting. then another friend shows up. he comes in and they start "catching up". then i hear those magic words "how's the phd going".

now, i must pause and tell you that i'm an education whore. you know how other chicks gravitate towards fame and money? i LOVE education. smart people make me.....well you get it.

to make the pot sweeter, he's an engineer. (have i ever mentioned i have a THING for engineers?) bsc in electrical, masters in electrical/materials engineering. his ms thesis was in an area that spilled over into the industrial aspects of MY field. oh joy. i perked up. actually closed the magazine and joined the conversation. he plays tennis. cool. likes chess. correct. he hikes. (o God!) loves salsa dancing (O GOD!!). goes rock climbing (OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!) and wants to go sperlunking (yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!!!)

..... and that, ladies and gentelmen was a mental orgasm :)

i collect his number. promptly text him. then i find out king tut's in town....well his tomb and stuff anyway. i call him up. we go. very nice. he pays for dinner. opens doors. does all those gentlemanly things. the exhibition was awesome. he decides to take me to this really cool club afterwards.

post date. ....yeah i have accepted that WAS a date. we're calling. texting. emailing. then he stops responding. call his phone, no reply. email, no response.

a month or two later he sends an email. apologising. sends new number. we start to talk again. finally he proposes we go catch a movie together. we agree to meet at the cinema. he never shows.

THE END



what u were you expecting? geez people the title already gave it all away.

Him

I woke up this morning and started playing with my contacts list. Adding pictures, editing birthdays, attaching notes to the special people. I got to HIM. said things i'd had rolling around in my head. then i read mancee's post, which inspired me to write this one.

everyone has in their head what that ONE will be like. whether or not u've voiced it or written it down, there are certain things that that PERSON just HAS to have. HE had so many of it. so very many. that boy just GOT me. but he was a first class whore. cheated on me from like the first day. i stuck with it. did the long distance thing cuz....get this......HE wanted to. and then i got tired of the doubts. the brush-offs. the one-sided communication. i broke it off. we stayed in touch. remained firm friends. then i have people calling me.

"so you're getting married."
"huh?"
"o HE told us he's getting married. figured it was you. "
"ummm we broke up remember?"
"..............so what's new these days huh? how's the weather n all..........."

so i ask him. he's like o yeah i am. next dec. really? cool. to whom? wait, isnt that the girl we fought over? that u denied seeing? congratulations. come for your wedding? sure! send me the details.

no, i dont attend the wedding. but we're still friends. talked all the way up to his wedding. are you excited? what changes are you making? yeah, marriage is scary but you're happy all that matters.

she's about to have his baby. i'm putting together a care package for the tot. i'm clinically insane. yes. but i love him. like a brother. a friend. for pretty obvious reasons i'm not in the least bit hurt he's with her (ok ok it hurt like hell!!.........but only 4 a little while. riiiiiiiight).

thing is, despite all the drama (and believe me! there was PLENTY of it) HIM even existing means that my list is too realistic. that those unvoiced things that i want, i can get them. yeah i'm holding HIM as an ideal, but only in the way that yes, my ideal can exist. hopefully my one true HIM wont have the holes this pseudo-HIM has.........eeerr had! i meant HAD. he's married now, a changed man he says.

hmph..........

The Unsung Hero

At some point, everyone blogs about their mom. How awesome she is and yadda yadda yadda. Don't get me wrong, i love my mother. that woman KNOWS things. when i'm in trouble it's eerie how she just "randomly" calls to "check if i'm ok". i'll wake up some mornings and a text is waiting for me about a bible verse. and when i look it up, its exactly what i was needing to hear at that point. but hey, that's why they're our mothers.

This post however, is about the other person. That scary dude in the shadows that our mothers threaten us with, using those ominous words "wait 'til your father gets home". Daddy. My daddy is awesome. I absolutely adore my father. while my mom just hasn't figured it out that i will NEVER say "i love you" and i cannot STAND to be touched and so hugs are a no-no, my father totally gets it. he knows that a punch to the shoulder is sufficient. he's not very vocal but that man is a ROCK. i have learned so much, i KNOW so much because of him. i decided i liked music, he bought a keyboard and paid for music lessons. i discovered languages, he got me french AND spanish tutors. even took the french classes with me so i'd have a buddy. we would travel every summer to somewhere new hence my love for traveling. i collected stamps and money; whenever my dad went on conferences he'd write me and put like a million different stamps on it for my collection. n he always over-bought currency so he had some for me when he got home. i owned a pc b4 there were color monitors even had those dot matrix printers from epson n best BELIEVE i got hooked up with the first windows! :)

then there's the he's so awesome no man could ever compare part. my daddy cooks. as in he COOKS. he goes to the market brings home groceries and makes the meanest stew! on saturdays, when in my house, we are required to spring clean, my father will tie a sheet toga style over his boxers pick up and broom and CLEAN. if my cousins or any boy came to stay, there was no "boys dont do house work crap". everyone was expected to pull their own weight. there was even one time my mom wasn't in town n our hair needed to be done. guess who stepped up to the plate! i carried that hair proudly until the hairdresser redid it (after calling everyone in the salon over and laughing her head off....stupid bitch).

then there's the strong silent support. i mess up. my mom goes into a blind panic. weeps. then runs to church. typical mom. daddy on the hand asks what your plan is. i table it. he makes it happen. you tell him what you need and its there.

it never ceases to surprise me how well my father knows me. my aloofness. my lack of affection towards any member of the family. my inability to share my emotions. my stupid pride that always makes me try to solve every problem all on my own. i'm going through some serious isht right now. and mehn despite the fact that i have kept quiet about it for over 3 months now, my father stepped in doing the little that he could do no questions asked. no yelling. no scolding. just a "why do you always keep things to urself for so long?"

the point of this whole post? men suck ASS. they really do. every day we hear stories about guys denying responsibility. fathers being all 'round jerks. shirking their duties. not being involved enough in their childrens' lives. just wanted to brag a little. about a truly awesome father. a man, who despite faults all humans have (and believe my daddy has his share!), is my hero. the sort of father my children had better have. the sort of parent i one day pray to become. we would never say this to each other daddy, although you at least show me but I LOVE YOU DADDY. hugs and kisses :)

The Wedding Blues Aftermath

So I went for said wedding. Got there thursday night, picked up my rental car. Guys that car was UGLY!!! OMG it was ugly. This stupid red thing that well.......it just so was not aesthetically pleasing. Was tempted to upgrade to a car with xm radio and sweet interiors but then i remembered my list, and remembered i still had spending to do and i resisted (BOY it was hard!!). so i put my stuff in the car, attach my gps, type in the address of the hotel and drive off. i'm almost out out of the airport, in fact i'm practically ON the highway.......and my gps is still "acquiring satellite". now, i arrived at after midnight, i'm in a strange STATE (not even town o!) and my stupid gps has no idea what to do. so i'm driving along, waiting, and of course promptly take the wrong exit and end up in the very deserted, very weird looking area and i'm driving at like 10 mph. i check that my doors are locked, make sure my phone has service then cruise. while i drive, i try to remember the black to white population ratio and anything i'd ever heard about cops and DWBs in this state. finally, >ping< then "turn right" o thank you God my gps has found its bearing! i finally arrive at the hotel. the guy on night duty looked like he was a Level 10 warlock in World of Warcraft complete with the glasses, funny teeth, and freckle-pimples. but thats ok, i like WoW so its all good. i pick up the keys to the room and lament that i'm hungry. the sweetheart offers me fresh doughnuts (there's this AWESOME bakery adjacent to the hotel). i smile sweetly then head up 2 my room. sleep

friday morning: wake up refreshed. go downstairs for breakfast. return to my room and lounge. aaah that morning was the highlight! the rest of the day was spent as an airport shuttle service. think i went like 4 times to the airport to pick people up. oh well. not complaining. finally got me time at around 11 pm by sneaking into my car with a book. stayed there and read until 1 am.......

saturday: engagement, then wedding. those were fun. met a guy i used to wink at in school but never hooked up with. flirted some. fell madly and irrevocably in love with this chick :) it was a good wedding. our boy looked really and truly happy and his wife is gorgeous and very much in love with him. dont get no better than that!

got up the next morning at an ungodly hour to drop some friends off at the airport. then hung out at the mall with my new love until i dropped HER off at the airport. then i went back to the hotel for some much needed alone time.

got up monday at yet another ungodly hour and drove to the airport. returned the car. got on the tram. picked up my boarding pass. got in line at security.......then discovered i had lost my wallet.............
i lost it. cried and cried (i had had maybe 8 hours of sleep total the whole weekend) then went to report it. then cried and cried some more. luckily, my wallet was found. everything intact. but i'd missed my flight. was put on standby, but couldn't get on that one. was put on the next standby, that one got canceled. basically spent the entire day at an airport. think i figured out all the nooks and crannies. finally made it home just before dark. needless to say i will not be repeating this experience anytime soon.....

and caramelD? babe, if you ever figure out how to get a guy off your mind please let me know. i'm in the same damn predicament. GRRRRRRR