I miss my wifi

In a perfect world, I would totally be rocking my Touch. It's got awesome features including this one which allows me to type out a blog in my spare time and publish it directly without getting up from my bed.
I really miss that. Being able to check bank accounts, send and recieve emails and even chat on days when I'm too darn lazy to get out of bed, or turn on the computer and wait for it to start up. But those days are gone now. I no longer have a completely wired house allowing me to connect all my wifi enabled gadgets. I actually now have to get up from my very comfortable chair and then connect my laptop physically to the printer to print. Fucking hell!
Why do I have this problem? Well it's simple really, THERE IS NO FUCKING LIGHT IN FUCKING NIGERIA!!! Light Up Nigeria people. Everything else would be so bloody bearable if we just had light 24-7. Seriously. Think about it. Anyone who gives us uninterrupted power supply can get his dick sucked or constant cunnilingus (come on ladies we're not left out!) on demand. If that isn't sufficient motivation to get a move on, I don't know what is!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Update

tomorrow, i celebrate the anniversary my fourth month back. I have mosquito bites all over my body. I have lost 2 very good friends (and counting)...no they didnt die, we're drifting apart. Funny how the distance made us so close and now the closeness is making us so distant :(

I've also gained a couple new friends. Just a couple really, seeing as I suck at making friends.

Uh what else...oh! i've lost a bit of weight. the scales say i havent but i can swear my boobs look smaller and my jeans are all loose now. i'm getting to the last holes on my belts. Good or bad thing? we'll have to see.

So am I still happy to be home? I dont know. I am not missing the other home(s) yet although my partner in crime, who came at the same time I did, has packed his bags and run back to the UK.

I'm over HIM finally. Amazing. It took a single comment by someone who really shouldnt matter to make me see that our "friendship" wasnt necessary.

I've also come to discover that about 95% of friends are in some way connected to my exes. i'm forced to see those penises everywhere i go now! i've started a weeding process but it is so not working! my rule to never date a guy whose friends dont like me n vice versa backfiring on me.....

2009 sucked balls. i finished the year broke, depressed, completely confused and had lost all focus. its april, and i'm getting my hope back. things are coming into focus. my path is slowly being cleared of the overgrowth. that weedkiller called prayer is doing its job.

ok i have no more gist. and this slow connection is driving me nuts! how long does it take to download 8 1-hour episodes off itunes for heaven's sake??!!

Naija Weight Loss Plan (patent pending)

Phase 1: Lagos

Step 1: Arrive at the airport. The power goes out while your luggage is still being brought out on the carrel. So you have to drag your two excessively overweight bags off the carrel while holding on to your precious laptop bag as well the carry-on bag you brought off the plane. Then you realize that the carts aren't free…..and you have no naira. So you drape the carry on and laptop bag on each shoulder then drag your two suitcases out of the airport. You get outside and realize that you also have no cell phone and that the nearest call place is "waaaaaay down that way"……

Step 2: You leave your aunt's house ready to go a-visiting. Then they tell you that the cabs are just a "little up the road". As you have sworn with all that is in you to never get on an okada, you decide to walk there. Conveniently, you forget that you're smack dab in the middle of the tropics during HARMATTAN season no less and that when you left it was snowing. You arrive sweating and exhausted at the car park then breathlessly tell the cab man the address. But it's not over, because the bloody bastard is trying to gouge out your eyes and cut off your right arm and left leg (get it??), so you gather your final strength and revive all your haggling skills. Finally, when you're both satisfied, you sink into the backseat and endure the hot, dusty ride.

Phase 2: Ibadan

Step 1: Your mom generously drops you off at your friend's house. She even lets you take the wheel. No biggie you think remembering all the weaving through traffic and switching lanes at 100 mph that you've come to enjoy. So you get on the road. It's an easy drive up your long street. You get on the main road, your mom's relaxed. Gabbing on the phone informing all and sundry that you are around and ready to be taxed so feel free to drop by. You get to a major junction. There's a policeman there directing traffic. You patiently wait your turn, and when he directs you, you move. Ah this isn't so bad you think. Then you get to another junction and you let the cars with the right of way pass you

"what are you doing?"

"huh?"

"my friend will you move?"

"but mummy it isn't my turn"

You hear the snort from the person she is currently gabbing with. By the time you get to your friend's house, all you want to do is curl up into a ball and rock back and forth.

Step 2: While at your friend's house, you decide to attend evening mass. You faintly recall that it was a short walk from their place. Plus it's evening so it's nice outside. You proceed to walk expecting any moment to see the steeple. You climb up a hill. Then you walk down another, artfully dodging okadas and wayward cars. Can't these people see that you're a pedestrian you fume. Finally, you get to church and say a small prayer of thanks that you convinced your friend to come get you after church. Mass takes way longer than it used to. Your friend has sent a text telling you he got tired of waiting outside so you should meet at the restaurant down the street. WHY ME you cry in your heart as you wearily trudge to the spot, planning how you'll chop off his head if he even suggests that you just walk home.

Step 3: Aaaah your friend's AC works. You sit back in the car and just enjoy the coolness of it while you reminisce about those bottles of real cold water you just downed. Then you feel a rumble. You look around in shock thinking o Lord are there earthquakes now in Nigeria? Then you realize its coming from your tummy. Your mind flashes back to the orgasmic moi-moi and ogi you had for breakfast. Your stomach rumbles again, and you wonder why your friend is suddenly driving so slowly. Good God man drive damn you! As you struggle to hold it all in, it comes back to you that you only ever used to eat moi-moi or any other beans products in the evening and only if there was tons of bread available. As you finally sink onto the toilet seat and settle down with your book for a long visit, you think how this is a much more effective and better tasting alternative to the horrid Chinese slimming tea you'd been on. Hmmm…

Phase 3: Port Harcourt

Step 1: You get to Mo and P-W's house only to realise they live on the third floor. And Mo's at work damn him so you can't pull a press gang move on him. Wearily you shoulder your laptop bag, travelling bag and this silly hand bag sort of thingie you have suddenly taken to carrying. As you climb, you struggle to keep your feet under you if only to protect your precious VAIO from an irreparable fall (because that extended warranty against accidental damage you pulled out teeth to pay for suddenly means nothing); but that is hard as tiled steps combined with frightening amounts of beach-like sand common only to Port Harcourt endeavour to remove all forms of friction needed to keep you upright.

Step 2: You wake up with a craving for Big Treat goodies. You call and get directions there then walk out of M n P's place and walk out the meandering path that eventually lands you on Abuloma Road. You then proceed to walk to MotherKart. Was the Sun always this hot you wonder? You struggle to remember the bus stop you're going to as you hop on the bus. You ask the conductor how much the fare is. As he pauses before giving you the price you wearily recall that Port Harcourt conductors will hike the bus fare for you once they got you pegged as a newbie. Unfortunately you are so tired that you couldn't be bother to haggle the extra 10 to 20 naira he's stealing from you. You do manage to mutter a hope that he chokes on it as you offer up the fare. You get to your bus stop and realize with mounting terror that you have no recollection of how to get the next bus you are about to take. You sadly remember a time when you knew the town like the back of your hand and could…..sigh you swallow your pride and politely ask directions. At the back of your mind you wish you were a corper again or could at least still fit into your old uniform. People were so much nicer back then. You get to your destination. Or as close as you can because the name of the real bus stop you wanted as completely escaped your mind. You dodge traffic and okadas as you cross a busy junction. You enter Big Treat. The bakery is just as you remember it. After that walk, and the walk you still have ahead of you figure what the hell. I want this and this and that and that….oh and that too. It comes up to less than what you thought it would be. You wonder if you should get more, but you remember you have no credits on your phone and your account is slowly dwindling. You get out, cross the busy junction then cross Aba Road. You wearily rack your brain for the name of the bus stop you're supposed to be going to. "Drop?" Those magic words put a smile on your face. You enter and get dropped in front of Mo's place. The slippery three story walk up is triumphed over then you flop down next to P-W. You doze off as she starts to talk.

Phase 4: Abuja

Step 1: Your private car ride doesn't work out. You're stuck taking ABC. The bus is 3 hours late then informs you there's no space for your luggage. You yell and rant until something is done. As you're finally getting on the bus, the driver decides to move so you almost topple off the bus. You clutch your precious VAIO to your chest (yes people I LOVE MY VAIO DAMN YOU!! IT'S THE ONLY SLEEK BLACK THING TO GIVE ME PURE UNADULTERATED PLEASURE!!) as you mutter curses under your breath. You get on and there are no seats available. Then you realise you didn't upload enough music on your mp3 player to last through the whole trip. After 10 hours of the torture of being stuck on a bus with UI pensioners you get to Gwagwa-something or the other. There, the driver informs all of you headed to Abuja to get off. Whaaa??? You drag yourself and your belongings off the bus, find your luggage, the lug it to the other bus. Then you hear that the intel was wrong. You drag yourself back. Then they say….after an hour plus being used as a ping pong ball, you settle in the original bus and get to your final destination. By then the crappy AC, dust, fumes from the stupid buses have wreaked their havoc on your sinuses.

Step 2: You need internet. Badly. To get the usb modem, you need money. To get money, you need to find your bank. Its just down the road you are told. So you walk. Just a little further they tell you. So you walk a little more. Northern sun beats down on your unprotected head and you wearily wonder at the back of your mind where you can buy SPF 65 sunscreen. You never find the bank. You turn around and wearily return to the house. You glare at everyone you pass, hating them for lying to you and for actually enjoying this weather. You refuse to leave the house from then on.

If significant weight loss has still not occurred:

Decide to go visit a friend on Adeyi. Decide to walk there seeing as it is in the same estate. You walk up your very long street. As you near Arigidi, you begin to lose some feeling in your legs but hey there's Ojo'o badan right there. Once you walk across you're practically at Adeyi. You cross Osuntokun with a bit more spring in your step and you start down Ojo'o badan. Halfway you see that the street is actually a lot longer that you first estimated. But no okadas are allowed here so you keep walking. Soon, you can see Awolowo Avenue ahead. Then you see the Davies Hotel. Yes! You're there! But, Adeyi starts at No 1 ad you're headed to No 53….

You have a wonderful visit. Feeling well fed and bursting with five years of gossip, you decline a ride home so your host can "escort" and fill you in on all you've missed out on. They leave you at Ojo'o badan. Just a little walk you think in your well fed state. All you have to do is get past Ojo'o badan, cross Osuntokun, and Bob's your uncle you're home! You walk a bit. The soporific effects of the amala start to wear off. That old numb feeling is returning to your legs. You hear the soles of your precious sandals wearing away. You would sell your soul for cold water you think; then look around hopefully for a guy in a red cape, horns, cold water and where you'll sign. Eventually, you get home. Never again you vow.

Prologue: Two days later, another friend tells you, their mom is baking. It's just a short walk you think…...

Home Sweet Home

I'm home. It is boiling hot and I have not seen NEPA abi na PHCN generated electricity since I got here. I havent had a glass of cold water in days. My feet are swollen from a combo of walking and the unbearable heat. I am even more self conscious about my weight as I have ever been because people keep staring at me in shock damn it! I have had to refrain from cursing out people at my bank. Have bank workers always been this rude? And ugly? And badly dressed? I'm no fashion plate, but I distinctly remember being impressed at the attire of the people who worked at the banks before I left. Having said all that.....

I"M HOME!!! I'M HOME!!!! I"M HOME!!! I AM HOME!! WOOHOO!! After almost two years of utter abysmal depression with several plans of suicide never carried out only because of Freak's encouraging words, and the possible hook up with THE CRUSH (which never happened....and never will but one can dream....); and of course I'm Nigerian for heaven's sake! We no dey do that kain ting. So I have no job, and my pure science/clinical research/ lecturing-teaching experience will probably never translate into the nigerian market so my hopes of getting one are..... I am still so happy to be home. I'll probably go back. Only have friends in this country and I still want that PhD! But it is so good to be back. I've missed my country so. Its true what they say aint nothing like home!

My adventure on the way home coming soon.....

Gemstone 2025 Nigeria

I havent ranted in a while, but I have found something that is really getting my goat at the mo'....so here comes the rant!

so my friend Tosyn has been hyping up this Makeover Mushin event taking place on Saturday December 12. i was like damn, thats a great idea. for painful but somewhat obvious reasons i cant make it. but hey its a great idea so why not join the organisation that put it together yeh? so i go to the website and i click on "register". first, they ask for my full name and inform me that it will be prominently displayed on the website as will my location. ok i prefer anonymity but ok... next they ask me who am i? not a bad question so i write up a lil bio. then they ask where do i see myself in 2025? ummmm why?

next q: what is my life vision? uh...what?

then what would i want to be number 1 at in 2025? how in the hell is that your business?

what are your achievements so far (your track record)? so i have to have volunteered before? and if i'm just getting into it. what then?

what groups have u lead or played a pivotal role in? umm this is still about volunteering right?

what are your life values? ok you know what? FORGET IT! i'll just stick to Red Cross and the Rotary Club.

Wanted:

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Take Me As I Am

the latest craze in town is to get incoherent a man. even guys are getting in on it. asking me about this guy or that. pointing out the good qualities of this dude or that one. there's one chick who has been threatening to create a profile for me on one of these online dating sites. now, i am even more guarded with my pictures than i used to be. sigh.

as if that weren't bad enough, i now get advice on how i can "fix" myself so i can get the man:

lose that stomach. dress better. wear makeup. show more cleavage. you're too bossy. need to tone it down. don't be so sarcastic. let the man be a man. must you be so geeky? no one cares about the wonders of the LHC. put down that popular mechanics; here, read a cosmo. why are you in this aisle drooling over that drill set?

why must it be that there is something wrong me? why can it not be that i am going through a me phase right now, and a man wouldn't fit in? what is wrong in expecting a man to want me for me? the tomboy dork who wants to change the world. i like museums and the opera and Broadway. i also like T.I and Eminem and Nas. I have partied 4 days straight getting only 6 hours of sleep in between. but i have also sat in the lab for the same 4 days on the same 6 hours of sleep.

my point is i don't want to change. i have room for improvement. we all do. but i don't want anyone who cannot be content with the me of right now. i don't want or ask my loved ones to change. if they change for the better in some way, thats cool. but i will love them even if they never change. do i not have the right to ask for the same acceptance of me in return?

so man, boyfriend, love, husband: if you actually exist (because i don't believe everyone is meant to be married or "with" someone), you better come willing to to me just as i am cuz i aint changing.....at least not until i am good and well ready to.

I miss God

lately Miss CaramelD has been voicing things i've had rolling around in my head. i've been going through a lot of things lately. i've probably been here before, but it just feels so much harder this time. and i know, this time, its cuz i dont feel at peace. it doesnt feel like these things are just for a season. i dont see what i am learning. i dont grasp anything. i've stopped praying because almost a year ago, it started to feel like God wasnt listening. at first i thought, he wants me to go through this. so i trudged on. tried to learn from the things going on around me. later i came to the conclusion God wasnt listening. he either was fed up of me, or there was no reason for him to listen. i'd created this mess and my crying out to him was futile. fine. i had to face my bad or faulty decisions. and deal with the consequences. but now, there is something. a block. something just doesnt want me doing what i want, what i need to do. i no longer have a focus. no plan for the future. no ambition.

heavy sigh

One Of Those Days

Its one of those day. Everyone has them. When you wake up and you're miserable. You look for a shoulder to cry on and no one seems to be there. You catalogue your life and cant put your finger on one achievement. You wonder why you're bothering. What exactly the point of anything is. Oh sure you laugh at the shows on TV. But as soon as the moment is over. You just wanna curl up. In the middle of your laugh you shut off the TV and want to cry. Even the soul music people put on in these moments are too damn cheerful for you. You just want silence. But not really. Because then you hear all those voices in your head. Those asking you what in the hell you think you're doing. Those reminding you that you haven't done shit in quite a few years. Those stupid ass bitches pointing out how alone you are. How you're here. On your blog. Because you can't think of a single soul willing to listen to what you have to say.

Yep, one of those days

Upgrade

so i'm stuck in a rut. been depressed about a shit load of stuff lately. about two months ago, i was actually REJECTED. how much lower can a girl fall? really?

anyway folks point is, i have been playing it safe. content to be dour and matronly. semi-mannish and well .....uninteresting is a nice way of putting it. so yesterday, i went out. got my hair done and my eyebrows did. didnt get my nails though cuz i'm kinda broke. but oh well. managed to gather two other like minded girls together and we're going partying tonight. hopefully the DJ doesnt suck or else i'm going to have 2 take over. on my saturday, my plan is to act a fool. just roam the streets. try out some silly things we'd heard about. just generally let loose and shake my newly made hair about. then on sunday i snap back to reality and hopefully be energized for another week. its about time i broke free and started looking forward to my future. sure it isnt as bright as i want. honestly its downright bleak and gloomy. but that just means i need to hang onto the good bits. especially as they are now so few and far between. i need to light a candle, buy batteries for my penlight while i wait for the street lights of my life to flicker back on.

yes, my life sucks. it sucks hard. but i've been doing things the same way for years. it obviously isnt working anymore. before i totally throw in the towel, lets shake things up. try a different tactic. do things i would never do. damn the consequences. so here i come world. a different me. hopefully if i start thinking it, things WILL start looking up!