Gangster Squad

I'm not the mushy type. I don't do hugs, or any of that happiness crap. I am a gloomy person. Most of the time, my gadgets, music, books (and cake!!) are enough for me.
But sometimes, I like my friends. Yesterday was my day on the3six5ngproject. I talked about getting my nerd on with a fellow geek. Today, we went to watch Gangster Squad. Seeing as we went right after church, we were the only ones in the cinema. It was epic. We. Went. Nuts.
With no one around to judge us (or take incriminating pictures) we let loose. We screamed. Jumped around. Squealed. Finished cliche lines in loud voices. I found out today just how eerily alike we are. So much fun. Great day. Great day.
Hopefully she never reads this.....

The Naija Weightloss Plan: Part Dough

I am fat. There is no denying it. I hate people who try to reassure me that I'm okay. Although, I abhor those who agree when I say it. Lie to me damn you! The appropriate response is "oh you're not that fat luv". Learn it practise it. So those of you who not only agree but go even further to point out my smooth, round 3 months belle and chicken wing arms........A POX ON YE!
Fine, I am not as big now as I was two years ago. The Naija Weight Loss plan really worked! I was steadily losing weight, but recently reached a plateau and even started regaining weight at one point. Drastic action had to be taken.
First, I shut my eyes and joined a gym. I hate gyms. I hate running on a treadmill or riding a stationary bike. I mean seriously. a STATIONARY BIKE! Why would a sane person get on that and ride and go nowhere?! They don't even provide one of those moving scenery things so you feel like you're headed somewhere. Bleh. The place has personal trainers which means there's always someone making me do all this hard stuff. (and I really hate being told what to do). Those evil beings pass around increasing my treadmill pace just when I'm getting comfortable. I never have enough wind to cuss them out. And I'm too blinded by sweat to glare properly. Then the aerobics classes. Ugh! Grown ass people jumping around to music. 99 % of the women have never heard of a sports bra. Spandex reigning supreme. *dry heave* Yoga classes are the worst! You put me on a mat, play deadass music then expect me NOT to fall asleep? I mean! Come oon people! But despite all, I have persevered. I have perfected my routine and now I never (rarely, sometimes, not too many) miss a day. I do a 30 minute walk to the gym, stay for at least an hour and do the 30 minute walk back home. I do as much as possible not to cheat. It's been fun. I love the weight training. So much of cute butts and back to (myopically) stare at.
Then it turns out you need to eat to lose weight. Waiting too long between meals causes bloating. Who knew! Now seeing as I only eat once a day, it explains my massive pot. To remedy this, I'm setting 4 hour timers. Goes off 30 mins before time so I can go forage for food. Let's see how all of this pans out......
Next, I focused on my diet. Already, I never eat after 7 pm. Been on that for years now. hurts my tummy when I eat late anyway. I don't stick to it, but when I do, the awesome flatness of my tummy the next morning is so invigorating! Now, I've also cut down my sugar. I do mean my sugar. I'm the sort who sprinkles sugar on plantain before frying. (Caramelised dodo yummmmmmmm!) I've also reduced my salt intake. I am over cake now. And bread. And ice cream *sob sob* No, I'm not. Not really. I just discovered this lady who makes marvelous chessecake. And I've convinced several bros to buy me cake. I love cake. I really do..........
So I can't remember why I started  this post. It was supposed to be this really funny tirade on how perpetually hungry I am. And how all diets totally suck. Jeez! When did I become this boring?
Cake

Dear You

I want you in my life. I really really do. I don't even know why. You have been a fixture for just a little too long. Never have I ever felt this way. Never. Not this strong and certainly not this long. Even from great distances I hear you. I feel your thoughts. It's like you're here. With me. Or I'm there. With you. I ache for you. Thinking about you. The possibility of seeing you. Turns me giddy. A glimpse of you splits my mouth into the widest of grins. I love you. There, I said it. There is no other way to say. I can't see it being anything but that.

You're not perfect. Far from it. If I'd had to choose it would always have been the other. They have all I need. But you are all I want. You're all I want.

This is all in my head. You don't feel the same. You've said as much.

What Lies Beneath

Today, I saw this guy with someone else. I knew it was coming. I had an idea she existed but I guess I thought he would have the courtesy to tell me. Although, this is the person who chased me relentlessly for months and when I finally gave in, continued carrying on with all and sundry. And if course dumped me when the novelty of being with me wore off.

So yes, I'm bitter and angry. And I don't even know why. How long is one supposed to keep telling themselves it's the other and not you? It can't be them when in the space of months they're happy while you- the one nothing is supposed to be wrong with is utterly and completely alone.

I keep saying it doesn't matter. That I am happy alone. But really who am I kidding. There is something wrong. I do need to be fixed. Now I just have to get through my day without falling apart.

Irony. This very day last year I was crying because someone finally stopped lying to me. I'm starting to hate december.

In search of a blog theme

I've always wanted to have a themed blog. Rather than my incoherent ramblings, I would love to have a place where I air my coherent, organised thoughts on a specific topic. A friend had this cool travel blog where she talked about her travels as a doctor around Nigeria. All sorts of cool pictures and stuff are on there. This other dude has a shutterchance account. He's a professional photographer now. Good for him. Then there are the erotica peeps. The storytellers. And the angsty emo crew who bemoan their perpetual state of brokenheartedness. (*side eyes all Adele fans*). Oh! The joys of knowing what you want to blog about!


Me, I've toyed with various possibilities. A place where I discuss the current political debacle. You know, give my unsolicited and largely unhelpful opinion and advice about global policies. At other times, I want to focus on my love for science. I really do love science. Expound on current research. Talk about my trials in my quest for a PhD and a meaningful position in academia (yes, I am a nerd *hangs head). Then there was one time I wanted to share my pictures. I love taking them. And I need a place to show them off sometimes. But I'll wait til I get my Nikon D3200. I do love to travel. I could document my traipses across the globe. Or my love of food and cake and everything decadent and bad for me. That would surely be a treat. Currently, I'm going through men. No not like that. But I do seem to attract the oddest set of males. I'm 30 now and single and..... well, let's just leave it at that.

So that's the problem. I have so much I want to talk about. Plus there is the problem of having the time to follow up on all those accounts. I am by any and all standards lazy. I refuse to do no more than is absolutely necessary. Keeping up with one blog is hard enough work as it is. So yeah, I'll just stick to this one. I will continue to jump from topic to topic with no discernible concept running through them. And sadly, whoever you are reading this, you will just have to deal with it. Thank you for reading my blog. Feel free to leave a comment. :-)

Writers Block

I have so much to say. Even made a list of the topics I was going to expound on. unfortunately, I get on here, and i have nothing (absolutely nothing!!) to say. There are so many things I'd like to talk about; vent over; get off my chest........but i just can't do it! aaaargh!!!

Something's gotta give! These darn drafts need to get finished, edited and published! Where are my 100 monkeys to punch away at my keyboard?? After watching "Rise of The Planet of the Apes" (frigging awesome movie by the way), I have so much of faith in the lower species.......

Speaking of awesome, I read "Game of Thrones", SO good! I miss reading. I no longer have a bb so I have oh so much time on my hands now. I actually talk to people around me now. and I am reading voraciously again. I may never get back on bb if things keep going on this way! Especially seeing as being off the darn thing is helping me deal with some addictions that were threatening to get out of control.

Let's hope this post get's me rolling......

When I Grow Up

Some people are born lucky. By the time they are 5, they know exactly what they want to do. And they get it done! As do those who figure it out in high school, college, all the epiphany-havers. Then there's people like me. First I wanted to be scientist. I loved the lab and I thought chemicals were the coolest. Then my dad added to my lego collection and I started building awesome houses. Houses cool enough to be displayed on the mantlepiece. I loved staring at houses. I stole my friend's dad's Architecture magazines. Surely, I was meant to be an architect? It couldn't be a coincidence that the only thing I could draw was a house could it? (Seriously, through art class I always made every drawing project they gave us about houses). Then computers became affordable and my dad (that pushover) got me one. I loved computers. I learned with MS DOS and Lotus 1-2-3. I like machines. Like taking things apart. Ah ha! Aeronautical engineer! Nope. I got side tracked. Got convinced I was destined to be a doctor. Then a lawyer. Then.....basically, I am floundering. I have absolutely no idea what I want to be. I don't want to be grown up because then it'll mean I am a failure. Or am I? Must you really know what you want to be? Must you be something when you grow up? Must you grow up?

Why do we still define ourselves by what it is we do? I mean for a living. As opposed to what we do. I mean on a daily basis. When no one is watching. When money or sex or cake isn't involved or offered as some incentive. Why do we let other people define us for us? 

I'm not sure what it is I want to do anymore. But I am having fun exploring. I discover new things about myself. I have learned ways to channel old talents into new avenues. Childhood was about discovery.  (If it wasn't for you, God you had a horrible childhood. Sorry) It feels like you reach adulthood when you've stopped discovering. Honestly, I don't want to grow up. I've known that for a long time. As a child, my favourite song was that Toys'r'us jingle "I don't wanna grow up". Even then I knew adulthood was a farce. So ummmm yeah, still clueless about my future. Getting old super duper fast. Stopped sweating it though. 

How Do You Know?

Some people get it right the first time around. You know, that whole relationship thing. I know so many couples who dated their way to marriage. They shared all their firsts with their spouses. The poor saps. Then there are those who endure a few bumps along the road before they get it. Finally they hit that sweet note. One proposes, the other accepts, and Shangri-La. Make you sick to your stomach don't they? Then there are those who coast through (love) life. At some point they look around and decide "you'll do" then accept or proffer a proposal and continue coasting. Eventually they get busted by some STD or text or child with questionable parentage (ah dreams). Finally, there's me. Who sits on the sidelines and wonders at all these things going on. I mean, how do you know?

Relationships are about deciding what is worth fighting for and what should be let go (or so I heard somewhere) but who gets to decide? Every time I get the I'm getting married call I just want to ask "What led you to this decision?". The responses I've heard are varied and they frankly all sound like poppy-cock to me. But maybe that's it though. There is no concrete reason. It is a personal decision based on whatever drives you. I guess in the end, you just......know? My head hurts.

Quitters' Anonymous: First Meeting

hi, my name is incoherent and i am a quitter.

it didn't happen all at once. think it started years ago. when my first dream was cut down. i doggedly accepted the cards life had dealt me. and made no effort whatsoever to fight for what i wanted. i figured what had happened was meant to be. i resigned myself to fate. years later, i was presented with another opportunity to fulfill this dream. which, despite the years, the setbacks, the tears.....was still there. again, i met resistance. and again, i took the cowardly path of least resistance. and again, i trudged doggedly on. the initial plan was to use the means provided to somehow fuel the dream. but, that cowardly streak showed up (damn it to hell!). told me i couldnt do it. but i still wanted to be something. so i resolved to focus on what was in hand.

then suddenly, i. just. couldnt. do. it. not anymore. slowly, i began to shut down. stopped caring. the little things no longer gave me joy. my achievements past, present, and most importantly FUTURE no longer mattered. maybe because i no longer had any present ones. but the reason i no longer had any was because i just wasnt trying. rationally, i knew all this. but that evil voice that revels in my inactivity continued to whisper. and then boldly speak. now it shouts so loudly i cant hear anything else. and so, today, i officially give up. throw in the towel. there is nothing that can be done to salvage my lifes, my dreams, my goals.

hi, my name is incohrent, and i quit.

16 Days of Activism

Starting November 25th of every year and ending on the 10th of December, activists all over the world celebrate something that has been dubbed "16 Days of Activism". It was started in 1991 and has since then been a period set aside to create awareness and come up with lasting solutions to the global problem of gender violence.

The first day- November 25 is the International Day of NO Violence Against Women. The last day -December 10 is Human Rights Day. In between these dates, December 1 is World AIDS Day, December 3 is the International Day for the Disabled and December 6th is the remembrance of the Montreal Massacre: in 1989, Marc Lepine entered the Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal and killed 14 female engineering students and injured many others because "he hated feminists". On him, he had a list of prominent women in the Quebec area including the first female firefighter and a lament that "if he had acted sooner, they wouldn't be alive".

All over the world, organizations come together to plan events, give talks, have seminars and of course, write articles. My very own mini-me wrote this moving piece about a home in South Africa that caters to women who have suffered from any form of violence. From what I can see from this site, there is a lot going on in Southern Africa. And I am jealous! Because I did not see a similar site for Nigeria or even West Africa for that matter.

Given that our continent is ridden with wars where the majority of the casualties are women and children; now include the fact we are still under the thumb a lot of oppressive cultures and beliefs that completely subjugate and belittle women, what do you get? A very sad incoherent. I am as much to blame as the rest of my country (and region). I am so caught up in griping about my lack of electricity (which i STILL haven't had! 2nd straight month!). I have not stopped to bother about the million odd women around me who were not fortunate to have been allowed a voice or even a mind of their own. Women who are "grateful" to their beaters and rapists; those who sell them, trade them, dump them then do the same to their young children.

There is so much to be done. And I grow weary thinking of the battles we have yet to win. So I will just admit right now, I have no interest in feminism or all of that. For me, I need my country to get to the stage where we have a stable government with proper accountability. Without that, all the social ills I want to correct (don't get me started on the AIDS epidemic stats for Nigeria, or the state of.....well, EVERYTHING!) can only get so far. And nothing I get done will have a lasting effect without continuous, responsible leadership.

However, today's just the 8th, 16 days isn't over yet. I will do what I can the last 2 days and I do promise come November 25, 2011, I WILL play my part and I promise it won't be a small one (mimi-me it's your job to keeep me to that!).

PS: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE visit the links above. I hope something touches each and everyone of you and you DO something no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. The apathy that surrounds me depresses me and is threatening to drag me into its mire. I need hope. I need someone to stand with me; not tell me I'm whining or point out the little I've done. Stand with me. Give me the support to galvanize me into action. Or better still, do something and don't involve me. Leave me be on my soapbox. But once in a while, lemme know that you hear me. Thanks.