Happy International Women's Day

Hello ladies! As we again celebrate our day this year, I just wanted to remind you of a few things. This actually started as a celebratory Facebook status but me being me, I couldn't stop it spiraling down into a bitter, angry (lesbian?) tirade. So I thought hey, haven't blogged in a while so....

Happy International Women's Day to all the women! You are still incomplete if a man hasn't given you his surname. You are still useless if you're not producing more humans. You are utterly without worth if you can't cook or clean. You are a total slut for doing what YOU want with YOUR body and just stop asking for equal pay would ya? You can work and get maternity leave. You getting pregnant already costs your company enough money. Oh, and it is totally your fault the world is the way it is because you insist on working, and having a say, and being treated as a human so yeah divorce and corruption and "moral decay" is all YOUR fault! If only you'd stayed home and thrown out all your shoes.....

And black women, black African women? Hi. Aren't you the lucky ones? First you have the white women to whitewash (oh sweet sweet puns I love you so) your causes for you. Then you have the non-African blacks pitying you cuz you know, you have no clothes and haven't eaten in days. Do you even know when it's Christmas? Then you have your own black, African women who wish you would just shut up for a little while. You make men uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with how life has been. Stop being so angry all the time. You know if you acted just that more girlie you'd totally get laid right? Or are you a lesbian? I know most of you feminist types are. It is not our culture o!

Anyway, happy international women's day. Keep up the good fight. At least until you finally meet a nice boy to tame you and marry you. Once you start having children you will forget all these things. Especially seeing as you will have so many Mother's Days all to yourself! See how nice the world is?

Honestly, women are so ungrateful. 

Epiphany

During this past weekend, I have learned several things:

1. I am never going to get married. 

And I'm ok with it. The type of man I want is either already taken or .....well already taken. The type of changes that seem demanded of me to "find the one" are beyond what I am willing to give up. I like being a tomboy. I am comfortable in tees and blue jeans. I don't want to show off my legs; I hate skirts. Makeup is for the rare occasion. And no, I do not think being constantly on braids is a bad thing. Weaves are more trouble than they're worth.

Then there's the intelligence thing. I do not want to dumb down. I do not understand why I keep getting asked to. I do not want to "cater for my man". Is he a fucking child? I cannot cook, clean, support, and still look up to you plus pretend that I can't do all the stuff you do around the house better that you. I want an equal. A true equal. An equal in every sense of the word. I want to be respected, included in decisions, I want a partner not a head. I want to travel and have fun. The same way I'm supposed to give my man time with his friends I expect it too. You have a man cave. I want my personal space. I make the bed, you cook and wash the damn dishes. You set up the tv, I fix the washing machine. I pump, you feed the baby. But yeah, never gonna happen. Now that I know this, I need to plan for it. Because I refuse to be the typical old maid. No cats for me. Still thinking about how it's all gonna work. Get back to you on that...

2. My boyfriend days are far behind me

Even in my heydays, I was never a boyfriend person. Honestly, I just wanted to be left alone. The few people I dated just hounded me relentlessly til I gave in. No one does that anymore. Boys seem to wait on you these days. And I absolutely suck at showing or detecting emotion. So yeah. No boyfriends. Which of course ties in with the never getting married. How will I be proposed to if I can't even get someone to want to date me. Sigh 

3. I will never have sex again. 

This is the worst part. The absolute worst. No sex again. No making out. No marvelous foreplay. Not for lack of penis; those are a dime a dozen. Sadly however, I like my penis to come attached to a brain. Therein lies the problem. Plus, I prefer my penises to not be owned by other vaginas. Which narrows the pool even more. There aren't that many unattached intelligent blokes out there. I've been cheated on a lot so cheating on even a girlfriend is not for me. Karma sucks. And I would rather not have to deal with the crippling guilt after. So here I am. Spinster for life. No boyfriend. And celibate by proxy. 

So I'm not sure where I was going with this. But this looks good so far. Let's stew over this and I'll be back later.  

So I went off Twitter

On the 1st of February, I went off twitter. I just looked at the date and said hey, great time to finally do what I've only been saying I'd do. (*thumbs nose at all those people who pooh-pooh fresh starts slated for the beginning of something.....more on that later).

I am only into my 7th day and I realise just how much twitter is integrated into my life. I ironed for the first time in years and I wanted to tweet about it. I finally got my full blazing internet back AND I bought razors so my underarm is shaven and smooth again. Neither could I rave about. Somewhere, in a backward town in Anambra, girls are being attacked for wearing trousers. I am not raving about that. Things happen and I want to privately vent or be nasty or be catty. I can't. I am forced to think it. Pretend I'm sending a tweet in my head, hit send and just move on.

Another thing I've seen is no one has noticed I'm gone. I am actually sitting waiting hoping to see when and who will first notice that I have gone silent. I need reminding that I am dispensable. And that the world doesn't really care. I have been becoming a little too full of myself lately. The impending reality check will do me some good.

And good Lord, I completely forgot: so many comebacks I have had to swallow. The pain of not being able to tweet a response is so real. Especially when you've found yourself a real zinger. Oh well.

I'm hoping this will help me blog more. As you can see, I am so used to twitter, writing full paragraphs filled with interesting sentences are now beyond my ability. Let's hope for more. 

I finished out the month. Went back on twitter. No one noticed my absence nor my return. Not even me. I just went back to tweeting my errant nonsense. I am proud of the way I refrained from using Facebook as an outlet though. Go me. 

Anonymous

"Why you gotta be anonymous?" Bobby Valentino

I have a blog. And I have a twitter account. Neither are generally advertised. Neither are ever associated with my real self. Sadly, some supposedly well meaning people do not get this. Yeah, I've heard my tweets are funny and interesting. Also heard that I'm a decent writer. Thanks. You want other people to see this too. Thanks. But do they also need my personal history? Do they need to my name, date of birth, and matriculation number?

Privacy is very important to me. My job requires a level of decorum. I need a place of peace and tranquility where I can spout any and all. Yes, most of what I blog and tweet about are stuff I will and do say as my real self. But not in the same way, not with the same rank honesty.

My life is stressful. Self-imposed granted, but stressful all the same. I need my outlet. That I chose to share this outlet with you does not mean it is now for the public. I don't want followers. I don't want notoriety. I'm not looking for hits or likes or retweets. I just want to live. And blog. And tweet. Anonymously.

But then again, this has just taught me that no one is to be trusted. If I didn't want people to know who I was, I shouldn't have ever mentioned the existence of this site or my twitter handle to anyone.

I miss the days when people weren't even sure if I was male or female....

Don't Mess With My

It tickles me to no end when I hear that someone's wife or girlfriend feels threatened by me. I mean, do you lack that much self confidence? You looked all over and decided that the most asexual female around your man was the biggest threat.

The first time it happened, I'm not gonna lie, I was deliriously flattered. After years of being written off as one of the guys, some (hot!) chick thought I was serious competition...ho-hem-gee! I told everyone! I became an instant celebrity. Girls suddenly started talking to me...well, I started talking to them. We finally had something we could bond over. My current crush started looking at me in a new light. It was just so much fun! Then it became annoying. Of course he's on the webcam with me for hours. How else is he going to help me take apart my laptop and put it all back right? We're going HIKING and no, it is NOT a euphemism. You don't like to break into a sweat, and I need to take this park off my bucket list. Sit the fuck down. Which eventually she did. Her man made it clear I wasn't going anywhere and insisted she get to know me. Now we're great friends. No seriously, we talk almost everyday. (I'm awesome like that.)

The next time it happened, it wasn't so funny. This was a nine year friendship. He introduced her as his new girl and kept at me til I made her my friend. I liked her. Thought she was smart and good for my friend. Took her like a sister. She was my baby. So when her now husband told me she was not "comfortable" with our friendship, I laughed it off. Until she made a scene. And another. Then I endured two of the most stressful months in a year I would like to have never occurred. It was too much and I cut her off.

In the middle of those stressful months, some other crazy female decided that I was macking on her crush. Her CRUSH. Seriously?

The point of all this? Everyone just needs to chill. If you have self esteem issues, then you do not need to be in or be wanting a relationship. Yes, in some cases your insecurities are justified.Like if he'd informed you that you were option #2 (true story). But even then, your business is NEVER with the other women. Focus on your man. And if someone is macking on your crush, he's your crush. Last I checked, a crush is open season. If he likes you, he won't look at her. If he does, then move the fuck on. He either prefers her or doesn't really care how you feel about him with other girls. And for heaven's sake, please one and all keep me out of your fucking drama. Thanks. 

Everyday Sexism

I recently moved to a new town.The things I've heard has me learning to curb my tongue lest....*curbs tongue*
1. I'm sitting with people who have known me forever discussing property and assets and handling my father's business. One quips you know you need to get married. So that you can let your husband be worrying about all these things.....
2. Planning my budget for my new house. Friend says don't overdo your house. You don't want men to think you are so settled and they will run away.....
3. A boy at school refuses to eat a particular type of biscuit because it's got pink cream inside and "pink is only girls"; which he isn't.......
4. The agent, caretaker, carpenter, electrician all call me "baby"....
5. Men get visibly upset and abusive when they see that the female driver they were trying to cut off actually knows how to handle her car. Or when they see it's a girl driving....
6. Being reminded that make-up is necessary, as are dresses, for coming to work so that I can (finally?) get a man......
Here's the thing, none of this has ever happened before. Yes, I did encounter ignant mysoginists before. But never on this scale. Workers knew their place. I was always just another driver. And friends never thought a husband was necessary to handle business.
There's is this twitter handle I started following some time ago - @everydaysexism. It chronicles the sexism still, strongly prevalent in the society. Some of it even I roll my eyes and go get over it. But there are so many that make me (righteously) angry. I think I should start contributing to it.

To tweet or not to blog

......THAT is the question.
I've got a twitter account; which means that my sudden bursts of creative genius can be quickly posted online. No longer do I have to sit and remember what my awesome sentences which had been rolling in my head while driving home were. I don't have to read through my crap and spot the typos and other necessary edits. Comments about my thoughts are easily seen and easily responded to. No more do I have to worry about length. I am limited to 140 characters. And my attention deficit is totally enabled. Never more do I have to see a rant through. My utter randomness is embraced. Thank you twitter!
But it's not the same. My writing suffers. I have not sat through and fully expressed a thought or an emotion in a minute. There are so many things I want out there. And not in short bursts of 2-3 sentences. But rather organised paragraphs. Each one with a main idea and a point I need to get across.
I also miss reading. Sitting in front of my laptop and reading a good post from one of my blogger fam. Reading through comments. Laughing. Identifying with other people.
Blogging and commenting on blogs presents opinions and ideas in a way twitter never can. With a blog you can elaborate (just like I'm doing now) whether in your piece or in the comments you leave on a post. Opposing ideas are better expressed with a blog.
Yes, twitter is awesome. My wit and sarcasm are having the time of their lives. As is my ratchety ghetto side. But my intellect suffers. A lot. Cuz ghetto Incoherent doesn't stay in her cage no mo'.
Ugh! There's another annoying thing about blogging: coming up with a title! And y'all know I need to be all clever and what not with. ...bleh I'm lazy. Take what you get.

Apology To My Fans

I am going through stuff now which has turned me into a whiny emo. I really truly suck at writing so I only get on here when I really can't shut up about something. Unfortunately, twitter is 140 characters and blogger is.....

so yeah, my usual crazy spews are in the wind. and all i do these days is post sad entries about how i just wanna be loved.

well you know what, you will all just have to deal with it! i have decided to wallow in my self pity and you will all wallow in it with me damn you!!

dear God I need cake.....*staggers off*

The Naija Weight Loss Plan (s)Tres(s)

aaaaargh!!! i'm still faaaaaaat!!!

OK, i'm exaggerating. I have lost some weight. I now fit into these skinny jeans, and my once skinny jeans (as of  JANUARY no less!) is now something I can take off without unbuttoning. Sadly that isn't enough. My Buddha belly is still jiggling. Although, at least now it jiggles. Used to be massive and rock hard. I would go days without pooping. Now that I've cut out bread (sweet, hot, soft, fresh bread *bites fist*), I do the morning doodoo like everyday. Honestly feels goods.

I haven't been hitting the gym everyday like before because of work, but I've added basketball to my repertoire. Played my first game today. I'm happy to say, I feel that sweet ache. It's not as awesome as after dojo back in the day, but my muscles definitely worked today!

Still need to make time for the gym though. My arms are horrible jiggly. I climbed a famous hill in my home town this past Thursday and the pictures I took were horrifying! I looked and whimpered "Are those really my arms? Nooooooooooo". You could barely see the awesome view behind me Damn you gelatinous arms.  *shakes fist. stares at upper arm in morbid fascination* Yeah, I can't live like this. Something must be done!

I've scheduled a basketball game for tomorrow morning. I have enough time to make aerobics class at 7 am then basketball at 9.

I walked away from a Cold Stone ice cream cake on Saturday.....only because I didn't have the money though. Treated myself to ice cream with Tobelerone crumbled into it today. Yeah....I'm placing the order for those cakes asap......

Doubt

He cheated. Well, not technically. No court of law would ever convict him. But it doesn't change the fact that what he did was wrong. He hurt me. He lied to me. No matter what I did, how I felt about him I just could not get past that.

Finally, he apologizes. After asking not to be labelled, put in a box, having his intentions "interpreted for him", straight up insisting he did nothing wrong.....he admits he was wrong. I accept the apology. I forgive him.

Or have I? He's said sorry. He's moved on. He's not with me. I should just let it all go shouldn't I? So why can't I? And it's not even the getting back together angle. I know I'm going to get over wanting him back. But, why is it that I would even consider it?

When significant others stray, how do their partners take them back? I'm not sure I would? I remember the bible, WWJD, and the whole 70 x 7 thing. But how in the world do you move past that? Not consider that fact in any and every decision you take?

He preferred her to me. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I became the side chick and she the main one. Maybe that's what hurts. So it's a pride thing. Ok. I can deal with that.....I think.