Random

everyone has one of those. a post that is utterly cluelessly random. just type whatever pops into your head. so here's mine.

i'm nervous. assed out nervous. i'm currently packing up my bags. trying to decide what books and movies to take along and i'm headed.....well you'll soon find out. and i am terrified. i've been assured i will be fine. and that i have nothing to worry about....yeah right. so i have a few days to go. barely. i havent even started packing. and i'm still waiting on stuff. sigh. i hate packing. so many damn decisions. and i cant believe how much i actually own. bloody hell. then theres the deciding who to tell and who to just let figure out that you're no longer "here" anymore. then the notifying this and that.

I started this post in 2010. It is 8 years later. Funny how a lot has not really changed. I still have a room full of my stuff that I need to sort through. I have moved a lot. I would really like to stay this space I am currently in. I like my house. My job is also nice. I look forward to what I will do with it. The books I didn't take with me only just arrived a few months ago. Not all of them came. I may have to just accept that I will have to buy those books again, sigh. None of my quirky posters or magnets or little trinkets made it back either. When other people decide what is important to you, this is bound to happen.

In that time, I have discovered a lot about myself, but not really. I have depths and incredible shallowness I didn't believe possible. I have had to stop saying "I would never". Because life keeps showing me that I would. I have weaned people from my life. But not enough. I need to trust people less. Need to stop believing that people are good. I need cynicism in my life. Or I need to move the cynicism I have to other facets of my life. I don't know.

Anyway, this post is done.

Bye

Doubt

He cheated. Well, not technically. No court of law would ever convict him. But it doesn't change the fact that what he did was wrong. He hurt me. He lied to me. No matter what I did, how I felt about him I just could not get past that.

Finally, he apologizes. After asking not to be labelled, put in a box, having his intentions "interpreted for him", straight up insisting he did nothing wrong.....he admits he was wrong. I accept the apology. I forgive him.

Or have I? He's said sorry. He's moved on. He's not with me. I should just let it all go shouldn't I? So why can't I? And it's not even the getting back together angle. I know I'm going to get over wanting him back. But, why is it that I would even consider it?

When significant others stray, how do their partners take them back? I'm not sure I would? I remember the bible, WWJD, and the whole 70 x 7 thing. But how in the world do you move past that? Not consider that fact in any and every decision you take?

He preferred her to me. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I became the side chick and she the main one. Maybe that's what hurts. So it's a pride thing. Ok. I can deal with that.....I think.

Writers Block

I have so much to say. Even made a list of the topics I was going to expound on. unfortunately, I get on here, and i have nothing (absolutely nothing!!) to say. There are so many things I'd like to talk about; vent over; get off my chest........but i just can't do it! aaaargh!!!

Something's gotta give! These darn drafts need to get finished, edited and published! Where are my 100 monkeys to punch away at my keyboard?? After watching "Rise of The Planet of the Apes" (frigging awesome movie by the way), I have so much of faith in the lower species.......

Speaking of awesome, I read "Game of Thrones", SO good! I miss reading. I no longer have a bb so I have oh so much time on my hands now. I actually talk to people around me now. and I am reading voraciously again. I may never get back on bb if things keep going on this way! Especially seeing as being off the darn thing is helping me deal with some addictions that were threatening to get out of control.

Let's hope this post get's me rolling......

Random Post

This is a means of jolting me back to blogging. so its reeeeaaaaally random.

I have a bb now. And I spend waaaay too much time on it. The qwerty keyboard has spoiled me and I fully expect that as I type my "i's", it will automatically become I and hitting space bar twice inserts a full stop and starts a new question see?

celibacy is not in my bb dictionary. hmmmmm.......

i have a new job which i dont like. the pay sucks and i stick out like a sore thumb among my colleagues. none of them get my jokes :(

i've finally listened to willow smith's "whip my hair" and i love it. yemzel says i should go watch the video. i will. eventually.

oh and i made friends. 2 new female friends. how scary is that? yemzel and ottilia. they're cool peoples.

Ottilia is a mini me. pretty soon she'll come to accept it.

i had a horrible weekend n i hope to improve on it this coming weekend. wish me luck?

i have a lot to blog about so i'm making a list. might actually get around to typing it. power has been annoyingly erratic around here for some weeks now. cant start a post i'm not likely to finish.

if anyone knows if there's a blackberry app for blogs lemme no! enjoy your week everyone!



ps: when i was mentioning new friends, forgot to add this "new" female. she isnt technically new. known her for a while, but we just recently became cool. she likes my blog. actually thinks i'm a good writer. since i've read something she wrote. which actually got published in a magazine! i'm terribly flattered. trying to convince her to start a blog. heeeeeey ziariz! :D

Update

tomorrow, i celebrate the anniversary my fourth month back. I have mosquito bites all over my body. I have lost 2 very good friends (and counting)...no they didnt die, we're drifting apart. Funny how the distance made us so close and now the closeness is making us so distant :(

I've also gained a couple new friends. Just a couple really, seeing as I suck at making friends.

Uh what else...oh! i've lost a bit of weight. the scales say i havent but i can swear my boobs look smaller and my jeans are all loose now. i'm getting to the last holes on my belts. Good or bad thing? we'll have to see.

So am I still happy to be home? I dont know. I am not missing the other home(s) yet although my partner in crime, who came at the same time I did, has packed his bags and run back to the UK.

I'm over HIM finally. Amazing. It took a single comment by someone who really shouldnt matter to make me see that our "friendship" wasnt necessary.

I've also come to discover that about 95% of friends are in some way connected to my exes. i'm forced to see those penises everywhere i go now! i've started a weeding process but it is so not working! my rule to never date a guy whose friends dont like me n vice versa backfiring on me.....

2009 sucked balls. i finished the year broke, depressed, completely confused and had lost all focus. its april, and i'm getting my hope back. things are coming into focus. my path is slowly being cleared of the overgrowth. that weedkiller called prayer is doing its job.

ok i have no more gist. and this slow connection is driving me nuts! how long does it take to download 8 1-hour episodes off itunes for heaven's sake??!!

Him

I woke up this morning and started playing with my contacts list. Adding pictures, editing birthdays, attaching notes to the special people. I got to HIM. said things i'd had rolling around in my head. then i read mancee's post, which inspired me to write this one.

everyone has in their head what that ONE will be like. whether or not u've voiced it or written it down, there are certain things that that PERSON just HAS to have. HE had so many of it. so very many. that boy just GOT me. but he was a first class whore. cheated on me from like the first day. i stuck with it. did the long distance thing cuz....get this......HE wanted to. and then i got tired of the doubts. the brush-offs. the one-sided communication. i broke it off. we stayed in touch. remained firm friends. then i have people calling me.

"so you're getting married."
"huh?"
"o HE told us he's getting married. figured it was you. "
"ummm we broke up remember?"
"..............so what's new these days huh? how's the weather n all..........."

so i ask him. he's like o yeah i am. next dec. really? cool. to whom? wait, isnt that the girl we fought over? that u denied seeing? congratulations. come for your wedding? sure! send me the details.

no, i dont attend the wedding. but we're still friends. talked all the way up to his wedding. are you excited? what changes are you making? yeah, marriage is scary but you're happy all that matters.

she's about to have his baby. i'm putting together a care package for the tot. i'm clinically insane. yes. but i love him. like a brother. a friend. for pretty obvious reasons i'm not in the least bit hurt he's with her (ok ok it hurt like hell!!.........but only 4 a little while. riiiiiiiight).

thing is, despite all the drama (and believe me! there was PLENTY of it) HIM even existing means that my list is too realistic. that those unvoiced things that i want, i can get them. yeah i'm holding HIM as an ideal, but only in the way that yes, my ideal can exist. hopefully my one true HIM wont have the holes this pseudo-HIM has.........eeerr had! i meant HAD. he's married now, a changed man he says.

hmph..........

FACE OFF!

This brief post is dedicated to those of us who watched "Face Off" a thousand times.

The Cleveland Clinic has just reported the very first complete face transplant. A woman in Ohio has been given a new lease on life. She apparently did not like the face she had been born with and after years of "suffering" was able to get a team of surgeons to do the op. The operation is still very dangerous and there are a lot of ethics issues they are still having worked out........Anyway, thats besides the point, all that matters is: IT WORKS IT WORKS! Once again life imitates art and there we were thinking that after Star Trek that didn't happen anymore........

Gee whiz, its Christmas!

so the holidays approacheth and i am still stuck getting up before the Sun to drive to work. to make matters worse i live in an area i once thought to be correct....until i realised that everyone agrees with my sentiment, especially around Christmas so a 5 minute drive down my street to buy something turns to 20 because of the sheer number of people "enjoying" all my street has to offer.

i had been planing to spend Christmas with friends but no money so i decided to do the whole Christmas thing. you know, tree, decorations, lights, the whole shi-bang. then i realised that it just wasn't in me to put snowmen and Santa Clauses or whatever the hell else they pass off these days as Christmas decorations.

so now i face the daunting prospect of facing Christmas alone. not that i haven't done this in the past. in fact, in past years i have revelled in the solitude. unfortunately, this year is different. things will be occurring in the weeks to come that i do not wish to face alone. and since i don't drink, i CRAVE some other form of distraction. there is some1 willing to spend that time with me but honestly, if i had to be stuck with him, you'll be attending my funeral.......or court case come January.....but that's a story for another blog post. (hey i gotta keep you coming back!)

thankfully, last night, i read my freak's blog. I'd been feeling bad lately cuz I'm accumulating too many gadgets but his post has made me all better. I'd been putting off purchasing any more gadgets but hell imma splurge this Christmas. getting myself (FINALLY!) the itouch AND the Zune......or maybe the 360 elite and the wii......haven't really figured out yet what will cheer me up and keep me busy through the holidays...........

YouTube and Blogspot

What the hell??

I take my time and post a video for everyone's viewing pleasure (especially when I really have nothing to say but I want to post by force.....). And I come back a week later and "this video can no longer be viewed".......(or something to that effect). I mean COME ON!! I figure since Google now freaking OWNS youtube, I should be able to post whatever I want without copyright infringement right?

Its not like I'm claiming that I made the videos? Jeez!!

President-Elect Barrack Hussein Obama

So people, history has been made. And I was HERE for it. Words cannot express what I felt when the news came through. It is still unbelievable to me.

Of course, the slave states voted overwhelmingly to keep my boy out of the WHITE house but he still got in. The moment he was announced the winner, local stations in a town in Texas shut down all programs discussing the elections. Preventing people without cable or CNN from viewing Obama's speech, or anything else to do with the election. Blatant racism? Lets leave that to them to answer.

I can only be grateful that America made the right choice. Obama is smart, an intellect, who rose up from the ranks; struggled without privilege to go to the same schools that Bush and his cronies got into courtesy of Daddy's big check to the school's fund. He understands what families go through what the common person lies awake in bed worrying about. Unlike so many politicians these days he has not lost touch with the REAL America. Those who live day to day praying that they or their kids don't fall sick because they have no health insurance. Who don't care about high school because its not like they can afford college right? Those who have to pay the same tax percentage as people making millions more than they are. Someone who abhors war and realizes you earn foreign respect by listening to them and learning their cultures instead of reminding them "Grecians" that you are "american" and have bigger guns than they have. And claiming that Iraq is the "enemy" even though it was admitted long ago that the facts supporting their "war" were heavily falsified. Thank God that squeaky voiced disgrace to the true strong modern woman was let nowhere near the White House.

I know we should not think of him as the 2008 Messiah. As he so eloquently (and God I do mean ELOQUENTLY!!!) pointed out last night, he is only human and is subject to error like anyone else. But his integrity, I hope remains untarnished. Thankfully, he's got Michelle (WHAT A WOMAN!!) to keep him in line. I don't think anything could go to that babe's head!

January 2009 is the beginning of a new year and a completely new era in the history of America.Black people have a new lease on life and they no longer have ANY excuse for slacking off. Every barrier possible has been broken. I hope to see more black intellectuals stepping up to the plate. Tired of being in the damn minority!!!!

Stupidity 101

So this is how to be stupid and win a vice presidency while doing it. She can barely answer the question! Good Lord! What was asked what was answered? Considering that public schools deal only in multiple choice tests and no longer teach grammar (i kid you not people!) I am not surprised she is unable to answer a simple QUESTION. But hey! On the flipside, Bush Jr the blubbering buffoon successfully lauded it over a supposedly smarter voting public. And closer to home, we have senators and governors who can barely string a three word English sentence together in charge of our very own Nigeria......so really nothing do am.

Americans are wanting to vote for this combo. Election Day is a few hours away. God help America.

300 I Are

Enjoy...........

Global Warming et al

Saw this article this morning. Pretty interesting huh? Then I saw this slide show. What exactly is up I wonder?

One of my professors thinks we are just being ego-centric. That we just want the Earth to stay the way WE want it. The Earth goes through changes every millenia or so anyway (Ice Age, the meltdown of the ice age....we've all seen the movies) so why are we so bothered. yeah we'll be wiped out but so what? The dinosaurs went quietly why cant we? In a way, he's kinda right. Like all those vampire movies abt turning the whole human race into vamps. I'm like if we're ALL going to be vampires then who cares? Just go with the flow damn it! Or aliens taking over our bodies. If we are no longer aware after the "obliteration" why bother? this is also the reason i cant keep my mouth shut about things. As far as I can see, the worst thing that can be done to me is the annoyee (he he) kills me. If i'm dead, i dont know whats going on; then what? ..........so i talk.

i no now why i'll never be cast as the heroine to save the Earth. for me, as long as we wont be tortured or made into slaves, i mean, we're all just going to either disappear or get turned to vampires yeh? well then just bloody get on with it!